Our family of seven is together at last.  Vladik and Jed arrived from Ukraine on Thursday night.  The wait is over!!  After months of loving our Vladik and leaving him behind a gate, he is out and ours forever.  We are so full of joy.

So it’s been 4 days home together and I’m just in awe that he’s really here.

Vladik sitting at our kitchen table.  Vladik shooting hoops in the driveway with Seth.  Vladik shopping with us at Winco. Vladik on the carousel. Vladik at church.  Vladik NOT at Romaniv.

He loves to play, watch cars, and take showers.  After 15 years of constant filth and neglect, he just beams when he knows he is clean.

It’s like a dream.

He’s doing awesome.  Of course, there are adjustments to be made and there have been a few tears, as we all process yet ANOTHER transition, but in general he just fits us like a glove.  This is a love that has grown and developed over two years, so there is a lot that is natural about it.

I’ll talk more about the details of his adjustment later in the week, I just wanted to let you know that he is home and we are blessed.  I can say with complete honesty that we are eternally grateful and humbled that God gave Vladik to us.  He is a precious soul that has been hidden away for far too long, and we are the ones who get to watch him come to life.  It’s the best thing ever.

Every day, multiple times a day, Vladik asks each member of our family if we love him.  “Mama, do you love me?  Papa, do you love me?  Addy, do you love me?  Ezra, do you love me?  Hava, do you love me?  Seth, do you love me?”  When we answer that yes, we love him forever, he laughs and claps his hands with joy.  That love, that belonging, all of our Boys deserve that.  My heart breaks that even though Vladik is out, they remain.

A wise adoptive mama friend said this, and it is also my heart’s cry:

“I have become convinced that to be indifferent, to do nothing, to ignore, to refuse to act, to stand back and allow broken and wounded populations to continue to suffer…this is the great sin of our lifetime. We are a generation of emotionally paralyzed people, and thus our behaviors become paralyzed. We spend so much time waiting for a sign, a signal, a calling…that we forget to DO. This simply must change. We as humans, as fellow travelers in this life, in this moment, must work, and work HARD to change what is unjust. The moment is now. Stalling has only ever cost us liberties, time, and lives. The procrastination just isn’t worth the price.

GO and DO.

Change the world.

Change a life, and in so doing change YOUR life.

Pay attention to the brokenness. 

Give generously. 

Love big and refuse to look back.

Even when it is hard, you will never regret it”

So I’m sitting here in a coffee shop ALL ALONE. I’m not sure the last time this has ever happened to me. Wait, has this ever happened to me before? It feels very strange and even a bit wrong. I feel like I’m forgetting something….or four somethings. 🙂

The Johnson kids are in school. Wow.

You know, I think I must be a slow learner, because God keeps telling us to do stuff I said we would never do. Maybe I should keep my mouth shut a little more often. Hehe. We are a homeschooling family. I love homeschool. It just works for us. It clicks with us. Why would my kids ever need to go to school when I can teach them just fine at home? Well, enter moving across the world and then one year of Ukrainian school then international adoption then temporarily relocating back to the other side of the world and a multitude of doctor’s offices and surgeries to come and you get the idea: school must happen and I’m not going to have the time to do it myself.

Jed and Vladik are still in Ukraine waiting on documents to be able to leave the country; meanwhile the kids and I are here in Oregon getting settled and prepared for their arrival. And the kids started school on Tuesday. Eeeeeek!

We are so blessed to have an amazing Christian school in our city with teachers that know our family and have been praying for us for years. In fact, my mom, my brother, and one of my dearest friends are three of them!  The school is giving us some financial aid, so praise God for that. We still haven worked out exactly how we’re going to pay for the rest of it, but God knows and He will provide.

Jed and I felt really strongly that it wouldn’t be the best idea to put our kids straight from Ukraine into public school where we knew no one. We also knew that I won’t be able to cart them to all Vladik’s upcoming medical appointments, so this school is a huge answer to our prayers. Already, after the first week, I know it was the right choice. The kids are happy and loving it, the teachers are wonderful, and I know they are safe and loved.

Hava and Seth are both in kindergarten.

Ezra is in fourth grade and Grams is his teacher!

And Addy is doing fifth grade.

This world of American school is like another foreign country, but so far we seem to be navigating it okay (minus being late on the FIRST DAY…oops). It’s a breeze compared to navigating Ukrainian school…I mean, for starters, everyone speaks English! Ha!

So, that’s where we stand now. On another note, if you could pray for our adoption process we would super appreciate it. We are hitting delay after delay after delay and we are so tired and ready to be together as a family. Vladik and Jed still wait for documents and the kids are missing Daddy like crazy. Praise God they have done amazingly well during all this transition, but we are soooo ready to be done!!! Thanks 🙂

This is the second part in a series about our adoption story. You can read Part One here. 

After God turned our hearts to Ukraine, and orphans with special needs there, we knew we had to go check it out for ourselves. I remember the first time we visited Romaniv in 2012. We saw Vladik there and our hearts were touched because we saw that he had Apert Syndrome like Jonah, the boy we had loved. I even wrote a bit about him here. Then, as you know, we ended up moving to Ukraine in November of 2013. YAY!

After our move, we began to visit Romaniv every week with MTU (Mission to Ukraine) and grew to love all the boys. The boys in the Isolation Hall were our main focus and every week our love for them deepened as we came to know them more.

We loved Vladik very much, but honestly, not any differently than any of the other boys. I guess he held a special place in our hearts because of Jonah, but we weren’t considering adoption at all. I promise! Ha! We had ended up adopting our Seth before we moved and felt that someday we would adopt again, and most likely that would be a Ukrainian adoption, but the idea was far away in the future. We did not even remotely think about adopting one of our boys. I mean, how could you pick just one, when our biggest dream is that they would all know the love of a family? Yeah, not happening.

Then came MTU summer camp. The last two summers our family has had the EXTREME pleasure of serving at camps for kids with disabilities, put on by Mission to Ukraine, one of our non-profit partners here in Zhytomyr.

They have loved our Vladik for many years. Just look at these pictures! 

  
  
MTU actually plays a giant role in every part of this adoption. We came to Zhytomyr to volunteer for MTU. We heard about the work they were doing at Romaniv and longed to be a part of it. They had been visiting the boys for several years before we came along. If it weren’t for God leading us to MTU there is no doubt in my mind- we would not know Vladik. 🙂 THANK YOU MTU!!!!

Anyway, every year Romaniv sends 6 boys to MTU’s camp, along with one of the nannies. This is outrageously amazing for our boys. They never ever leave the grounds of Romaniv. It is their entire world. But, every summer 6 boys get to escape for 8 days and truly LIVE.

They are treasured at camp. They laugh at camp. They play at camp. It’s like Disneyland on steroids for these boys. We were at camp last July waiting for the bus to arrive from Romaniv and who, to our enormous surprise, stepped off the bus? VLADIK! We had no idea any of our boys from Isolation were coming!!!! Vladik had never been to camp before! We were so happy!!!!

You guys, Vladik did so great at camp. Oh, my word. He started out the week with many institutional behaviors (screaming at the wrong time, loud noises at inappropriate times…) but after only 2 days at camp, those behaviors were gone. He was trying to sing the songs and do the motions. He was doing his best at the games. He was sitting quietly during lessons. He gained new words every day. It was so beautiful.

The most unexpected and most beautiful thing for Jed and me was how Vladik connected with our kids. Addy and Ezra had met him at Romaniv before camp, and Vladik had immediately taken a liking to Ezra. Vladik likes most people, but for some reason (God) he really latched on to Ezra during the couple of times Ez came to Romaniv. That relationship only grew at camp- and the feeling was mutual. Ez was drawn to Vladik and really began to love him.

One night toward the end of camp, I was putting the kids to bed in our room and all the lights were out. Jed was away and the kids and I were talking about our day. I asked them each what was the best moment of their day and the most difficult moment of their day. That day the camp had held the Special Olympics, so there were a lot of great moments to talk about. When it came to my turn to share Ezra piped up, “Mom, I bet I know what your hardest moment was. When the Romaniv boys were getting their medals at the Olympics I saw you crying. I bet that was hard for you.” I answered him that that moment was actually my best and most difficult moment all at once. It was the best because I saw all the joy on the boys’ faces and I was so happy to see them so happy. But it was the hardest because they were the only campers who didn’t have a mommy to walk them up to the front to get their medal. I was sad because I knew they were going home tomorrow and I knew that their home was not a good place.

All of a sudden, in the dark room I heard a weeping, almost a wailing coming from one of the beds. It was Ezra! “Ezra! What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

“Mommy, why? Why do the boys have to live there? Why do they have no mommy? It’s not fair. I don’t want them to go back there! Why does Vladik have to live there? He’s my friend. How long is he gonna have to wait till his family finds him?”

Pretty soon all four of my kids were weeping. Their hearts were broken for the boys. In that moment they really got it. They really began to understand why we live here in Ukraine. They began to understand why we sold everything and came to love these boys. Ezra said “Mom, we can never leave Ukraine. The boys need us!”

That camp, that night, our kids fell in love with Vladik. That night my heart began to shift. I began to see Vladik in a new way. I shared the story with Jed and he cried. We could barely stand to see him get on that bus to head back to Romaniv. Something was stirring. God was up to something!!

PS: Thank you MTU for the pics of Vladik when he was little 🙂 

Where in the world is the Johnson Fam?  Are you finding it impossible to keep up with all our comings and goings and craziness?  Yeah, me too.  🙂  I did a big catch-up post here, for the curious.

I’m sitting in the Houston Airport, on my way back to Ukraine for adoption court. YES!  Jed is already back in Ukraine working away with our Boys, moving out of our house, and spending lots of quality time with our soon-to-be-son.  Our other kiddos are back in Salem at some wonderful friends’ house.  Grammy (Jed’s mommy) flew to Oregon from Montana to care for them while I’m gone for court.  So, we’re all spread out for now, but it’s all gonna be worth it, because soon our son will be OUT forever!!!  I hope and pray all goes well at court on Monday and I can do a big, fat introduction/birth announcement.

We arrived in the US as a family on August 11th and had the most wonderful 10 days together before Jed flew back to Ukraine.  It was just pure awesomeness.

We only pack the necessities

Ol’ Faithful mustache tape has served us well

At the airport in Kyiv!

You know, I had read lots of missionary/expat tips on how to re-enter the US after being away for a while, and they all recommended heading someplace that is not your home base and just being together as a family before seeing family and friends.  All the recommendations talked about how it is helpful just to decompress as a family, get over jetlag without demands on your attention and all that.  I thought it sounded like a great idea, but not great on the ol’ budget.  Well, God totally took care of that!  A wonderfully generous couple from Ventura, CA whom we had NEVER MET gave us their house for 5 days.  They left and just let us take over their beautiful home and it was the hugest blessing ever!!!  We went to the beach (where Jed and I proceeded to win the worst parents in the world award by letting our kids get completely fried…oops #babylobsters), we watched tons of movies, we oogled over Target and Trader Joes, I read and read and read some more, and the icing on the cake: Jed and I got to go see my brother star in a musical in La Jolla.  It was AWESOME.  Thank you Dan and Jeannie for blessing us so completely.

Jet lag is a beast!

I’m so proud of my brother!

After our 5 day rest, my family drove down and we all met in Anaheim for 4 days of Disney!!!  My heaven!  Haha! My parents had been saving and planning for this family trip for 2 years and it was absolutely perfection.  Seriously.  It could not have been better!

We did two days of Disneyland and two days of California Adventure and we loved every second of it.  My parents rented a house with a pool so every day we would come back in the afternoon and the kids would swim with their cousins.  Best.trip.ever.  Thank you Mom and Dad for that most wonderful, memorable gift!

Gotta represent Wide Awake! 🙂

Jed flew back to Ukraine on our last day of Disney and the kids and I flew up to Oregon.  Then it was school registration (EEK!) and school supply shopping and embassy document notarizing and health insurance document mailing and doctor’s office calling and soon-to-be-son clothes shopping and back-to-America-culture-shocking (more on that later).  I pretty much ran around like a chicken with my head cut off, so it’s lucky that Grammy arrived when she did to save my children from their crazy mommy! 😉

Seth forgot about booster seats. Ha!

My kids were FASCINATED and in awe of the cereal aisle

A once in a lifetime experience: they each got to pick out their own cereal.

We’ve been so busy we even lost a tooth!

The kids insisted we walk to the library instead of driving. “We don’t want to lose our Ukrainian legs Mom!”

We are so blessed and SO excited to be just about done with this legal stage of the adoption.  We’re ready for the family stage now. Our mommy and daddy hearts are positively busting at the seams.  We are so close!  The kids are doing amazing.  They are so flexible and adaptable and brave.  They want their brother home super bad too.

Soon, baby soon!!

  
Addy, our 11 year old daughter, has gone with us to Romaniv the past couple of days for day camp. She is an awesome helper, and today we gave her the camera so we see her view of the Boys. I absolutely loved looking through her photos. I’m always the one taking pictures, so for me there’s just something kind of special about seeing the boys through someone else’s eyes, especially someone as special as our Addy. 🙂 

Enjoy! 

Today is Day 3 of Romaniv Day Camp (if you follow Wide Awake on Facebook I’ve been posting pics) and I’m home on the couch in a semi-reclined position, trying hard not to move.  It’s nothing serious, I just tweaked my back at Romaniv last Friday and it’s not too happy at me for continuing to go and lift wheelchairs and wrangle Andriy and stuff like that.  So, I’m taking a break today and resting my back so I can hopefully finish the week strong.  

Since I’m bound to the couch, per Dr. Jed’s orders, (well, as bound to the couch as I can be with three out of four kids at home) I thought I’d beat the boredom and write a blog post! There is a lot I could say.  I have A LOT rumbling around in my brain right now.  But I don’t feel very deep at the moment, so I’ll just give you a sneak peek into the craziness that is my brain right now.  

*Addy went to Romaniv in my place today.  We have been pretty short on volunteers this week due to university exams (booooo).  I knew my back needed a break, but wasn’t sure how the team would manage with one less body, so….Addy to save the day!!!  She likes to go to Romaniv occasionally, but sometimes it scares her a little bit.  Understandably so, I mean, Romaniv scares plenty of adults!  But, she really does love the boys very much and tries to stay up on all the details of their lives.  🙂  She is a great help when she comes, it’s actually pretty amazing!  She just dives on in with no fear and does what needs to be done.  Watching Addy with the boys is so sweet…Jed better take pics!

*We want our kids to be involved in the work God has called us to here, but sometimes (aka, always) I question how to best do that.  What does it do to our kids to expose them to such suffering, such darkness?  How will this shape the way they see the world?  I know mostly it will shape them for the good, but what about their coping skills?  How will they cope with being exposed to such trauma?  Sometimes I can’t even bear the weight of it.  Is it fair to expect them to?  We never ever make Addy and Ezra go.  Hava and Seth are too young, although they always beg to go.  They so want to be involved, but it’s just not safe for them there.  I wish we had someone to help guide us through this.  

*We desperately owe our supporters a newsletter.  Oy.  I try to stay very faithful with Facebook updates and blog updates…but somehow newsletters get left in the dust.  If you are waiting on pins and needles for a newsletter from Wide Awake…it’s coming!  I promise!!!  😉 (another task for my couch-bound day)

*Did I already blog that our adoption dossier has been submitted to the Ukrainian government?  YES IT HAS!!  That means if it is accepted “as is”  then we should have an appointment to begin the in-country adoption process sometime next month!  I’m so excited I can’t even bear it.  Please pray with us that the government will easily accept our documents and that they won’t require anything extra from us because of our living situation (US citizens with temporary residence here).  THANKS! 

*Seth is outside playing with the hose wearing Havalah’s bathing suit.  Whatevs.  

*Seth is going to be 5 next week. FIVE!!!!  I don’t know how that happened.  For his birthday he has requested hockey gear, a motorcycle, and a bobsled.  Ummmm….yeah, he’s probably going to be disappointed.  😉

*Still praying every day for adoptive parents to step up for our boys.  Please, don’t be afraid.  It will be hard, but it will be worth it.  

*Ezra is outside reading right now.  By choice.  I had nothing to do with it.  Sure, it’s a Minecraft book- but it’s a BOOK.  I am astounded and a little afraid to blink, hence this magical moment disappear forever. 

*Next week we will be hosting our first short-term medical team.  Eek!  I’m nervous, but excited.  It is a team of 4  medical professionals from Germany.  They are being sent by Humedica, a German relief organization.  They’ll spend every day at Romaniv, helping us to do baseline assessments of each boy’s functional skills with our new assessment tool.  The team will be here for two weeks.  I hope they will enjoy their time here!  I kinda have butterflies about it.  

Welp, that about does it.  That’s a small portion of the things I’m thinking about as I sit here today.  Don’t even get me started with thoughts on homeschooling and language learning and our visit to the US this summer and how our adoption fits in to all this.  Multi-tasking, anyone?

It’s a full life.  It’s a wonderful life.  Thank you Jesus for this crazy life you’ve given us! 

If you’ve been reading this blog long enough you know that learning how to mother my kids in a new culture has been a big fat challenge for me. It was something I worried about before we moved, and it was THE something I worried about once we landed. Isn’t worrying awesome? It’s just so productive! Not.

It’s just that parenting is hard enough, and then you throw in lots of factors that make our family really “different” and things get downright confusing! I’ve found that we don’t really fit anywhere these days, when it comes to parenting. We don’t fit Ukrainian standards because, well, simply put, we aren’t Ukrainian! We can speak the language (work in progress) and buy the right clothes and eat the right food, but at the end of the day, we’re still Americans. We think differently than Ukrainian parents and we were raised differently than our Ukrainian peers. Culture is so HUGE. There are things we do similarly to Ukrainian parents, but we are also quite different. We could try to be the same, but at our core we’ll always be different- and that’s okay.

But- now we don’t really fit American standards either! For one thing, we don’t live in America, so that changes a whole heck of a lot right there. Many things that are expected for a “normal” childhood in the US just aren’t available or possible here. Our kids are having a completely different childhood than Jed and I had. It’s difficult not to have the same expectations in my heart for them, because all I know is a typical American childhood…yep, not gonna happen for our crew. And that’s okay!

It can feel very “Lone Ranger”ish, parenting so far away from our home culture. I don’t have mom friends I am close to here who are parenting kids around the same ages of ours. I miss the support of others who were going through the mothering stages alongside me. I miss bouncing ideas off each other over coffee and gaining wisdom from others. I miss my kids having friends. I miss having moms around me who are “one step ahead” on the journey. I miss watching them and learning from them. Most mothering and parenting books are really hard for me to read here. It can be discouraging because so much of what is written is based on the assumption that you live in America and have all that is available there, or that the mom’s only focus is on the home and she has no outside responsibilities.  It’s hard to explain, but when I read those books in the middle of this life we are living, it almost seems like they are books from another planet.

Honestly, parenting in this situation (or any situation) is just stinkin’ hard work.  Awesome, but still stinkin’ hard. Am I right?  People ask “How do you do it all?” Um yeah, I don’t. I can’t. Things fall by the wayside. My house is messy. I just paused writing to tell Seth not to throw knives- truth. My kids get lonely. Laundry piles haunt my dreams. I lose my patience daily (or hourly). Homeschooling can get sporadic and is often unorganized. I get lonely. I read mommy blogs (why do I do that?) and feel guilt that I don’t do crafts with my kids.  I want to get up early but instead I stay up too late at night.  I don’t follow through. And on and on and on.

So, yeah I can’t do it all, but I’m sorta, kinda starting to come to grips with the fact that the Johnson family is on our own journey and ours doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s journey. There is beauty in this particular journey and it’s pointless to waste time wishing it looked differently. I mean, this is the journey God created us to walk. Sooooo I should probably learn to be good with it.

Our kids are loved.
Our kids have each other. They love each other.
Our kids are learning to love and value those who the world has cast aside.
Our kids are learning a new culture and a new way of doing things- and their world is bigger because of it.
Our kids are learning what it is to say YES to Jesus.

I finally feel at peace in mothering, probably for the first time since we moved! I have seen little glimpses lately of the fruit and I see that our journey is beautiful in it’s own way.

-Addy announced to me yesterday “Ezra and I are just best friends lately! We just love each other! We’re hoping to keep this going on for as long as we can.”
-When it was dark out, Seth reached out to help Hava down the stairs to our yard. “I know the dark steps scare you Hava. Hold my arm.”
-Hava asked “Mom, which Romaniv boy would you choose first to come live at our house? I couldn’t choose, they’re all just so cute!”
-Every time we come home from Romaniv Ezra wants to see the pics of the boys right away. He loves them.
-Seth said “Mom, I can share Boris with daddy because he needs a daddy too.”

I write all this to say, own your own journey. God’s Word and God’s grace apply to every life situation- regardless of location. Parenting books and parenting seminars are great (I would love some of that right about now!)- but what is the greatest is saying YES to God when it comes to your children. Don’t compare your journey to your friend’s or your neighbor’s or some random blogger’s. The details of their lives are not the details of your life. Their journey is not your journey. Their kids are not your kids.
(Preaching to myself, FYI)

Teach your kids to say YES to Jesus by saying YES to Jesus yourself.
The rest is sprinkles on top. 🙂

Hi!  How are ya?  We are just fine and dandy.  Many good things are happening- in our family and in Wide Awake.  I wish I had the time to just sit down with each of you and give you all the details, but alas, a blog post of pics will have to do.

We are deep in the throes of homeschool and language lessons and Romaniv trips and Young Adult nights and Legos and orphan advocacy and Barbies and parenting and all kinds of other stuff.  No day is like the one before. It’s not all glamorous, in fact I wouldn’t classify any of it as “glamorous”, but it is our life and we wouldn’t trade it for the world. (except some days when the copious amounts of unglamorous snot, saliva, and poop threaten to overwhelm…)

Hehe…anywayssss…time for pics!

*There are a couple of boys in this post that are available for adoption.  I gave them aliases to protect their identity.  FYI.  Mommy and Daddy, are you out there???  🙂 

A playground in our neighborhood

It’s the little things. 🙂

We found an ice road!!!

Hava decided maybe she COULD write some letters! I’m glad I didn’t push her earlier.

I can’t resist. My baby is so cute!!!! Yep, he’ll always be my baby.

This is “Micah”! He is available for adoption and I can’t wait to write a post all about him and find his family!!! I’m just waiting for confirmation on his diagnosis. Pure sweetness.

“Stephen”!! Stephen needs a family too. He is blind and needs so much sensory input. Running him in the halls is the best. He can walk, but sometimes he likes a ride. 😉

Please keep praying for our sweet one. Little love needs a miracle.

Hava Rudy the Cutie

Sweet loves with Tanya, a most amazing volunteer. She loves the boys so much.

Seriozha. He loves to say “Beep beep!” He is normally silent, so when he perks up with a loud “beep beep!” it makes us laugh so hard!

Ez Pez Dominez

Still can’t resist.

Addy Maddy Baddy

Seffer Boy-o

Luckiest mom evah! Right here.

Yaroslav. I can’t even explain to you how much I love this boy. The smile, the squinty eyes, the thumb-sucking. Too.Much.

Micah! Someone see this boy. He is beyond precious. I have video and more pics. I’ll write more soon. But let me just tell you that our whole team is in love with this boy.

This living-overseas-everythingisnew-missionary-stillawifeandmomfirst-immersion thing can be quite the doozy at times. It’s a rough and wonderful road. Sharing about it though, is fine line to walk.

I want to be real and honest.

But I don’t want to be a complainer.

I want to be me.

But how to “be me” from behind a keyboard?

I want to be respectful of people here in Ukraine.

But there are things here that are difficult for us, since this is not our home culture.

I want to be respectful of the people back in the US.

But I also want them to be challenged and encouraged to think and dream bigger- and act.

I want to share all so people know how to pray.

But I don’t want to share all because I know many Ukrainian friends read this blog and I don’t want them to worry about us or feel bad for us.

I want to share about our Boys and their need and their worth. I want to share about their lives and things that break our hearts and should never have to be endured by a human.

But I don’t want to share too much because I don’t want to disrespect them or exploit them or break relationship with the Directors at Romaniv.

Fine line. Tight rope walking.

I say all that just so you know that when I write things on this blog I don’t take it lightly. There are many people to consider and many points of view to consider. Many times I write to clarify things in my own mind and heart. Sometimes I don’t really understand my own feelings until I type them out. It’s kind of like a form of therapy for me. Lucky you, my dear Readers! Ha. I also always want to be honest about this journey. Maybe it could help others who are setting out on a journey like ours. I know I love reading honesty from those who have gone before. Somehow it settles my heart to see they struggle with things similar to my own.

Lately I’ve been trying to figure out my heart and feelings surrounding the balance of being a mother and a friend and a cross-cultural-worker here in Ukraine. When we first arrived here Jed and I both jumped right on in to work. We both volunteered at MTU, probably pretty equal amounts. Whoever wasn’t at MTU was home with the kids. It was an important time for us to figure out where we fit into everything here, and to see where God wanted us in the mix.

Then we had the summer, which was basically a whole family affair (which was AWESOME…). And now we have reached the fall, and we have a new norm. I think this new norm will be the norm for some time to come. I LOVE the new norm, but my overachieving, worker-bee, people-pleasing self won’t let me be completely at peace about it and I don’t know what that means.

The new norm is that Jed does most of the work outside the home, and I am home a lot more with the kids, reminiscent of our lives back in Oregon. Of course we both go to Romaniv twice a week, do language tutoring together, and we both work together on our youth nights for graduates, but most of the rest of the work is Jed’s. I get to focus more of my time on the home, the kiddos, and being Mom and Wife. I am in love with this. I know the kids need it and they thrive when I am home more. Focusing more time on our home and our family brings me great joy and fulfillment. When I’m gone from home a lot I feel scattered and yucky.

So, I know this is a good set-up. I know this. But then I start to question myself.

I don’t question if it’s a good thing that I’m home more. I value motherhood and I think stay-at-home moms rock. I have always dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom with no outside work committments, but that has never been what God had for me. It’s not the focus at home that I question, it’s the time spent not focusing outside the home that has me evaluating my heart.

Do I have such peace at home partly because it’s easier to be home than out in the culture that is still difficult for me? Do I have such peace at home because I feel smart at home and I mostly feel dumb as soon as I walk outside my front door? Hahaha…not kidding…hehe. When I’m at home I have this feeling like I should be outside getting to know my neighbors, or taking the kids to the playground so they can have more exposure to language and I can brave it with neighborhood moms. But as it is, I already feel like I’m not investing enough time in to the relationships here that I already have. It’s like that guilty Oregonian feeling you get when the sun finally comes out. You feel like because it’s sunny you should be outside NO MATTER WHAT. Because you never know when you might get sun again! Well, what if I don’t feel like being outside that day? What if I have inside work to do that day? Too bad. If I stay inside on a sunny day in Oregon I am riddled with guilt. (Is that just me, or do other Oregonians catch my drift?) (PS: I think I have some guilt issues)

I’m used to watching over all the friends in my life and making sure everyone is okay and included and taken care of, but I don’t have that role here with friends. Here, we are investing that time in to our Boys, and frankly the work at Romaniv can be emotionally and spiritually exhausting. I love those Boys more than I could have ever imagined and am fully committed to them and their well-being. It’s just that with being a wife and with our kiddos at home and then our kiddos at Romaniv…I don’t have a lot of reserve left on a day to day basis. I love my friends here so stinkin’ much. I just don’t feel like a very good friend here in Ukraine and I hate that feeling…but I feel helpless to change it.

Are all these feelings okay? Or am I relying too much on myself? Maybe I’m being lazy and selfish? It’s like I still have a short-term missions mindset that I have to give up every spare moment to the work and ministry here, but we are here for the longhaul. There will be no longevity if I live this life like a short-term missions trip. I know that, but I still battle. How to find the balance of time and energy spent?

Anywaysssss…balancing focus on the home and focus outside the home and all my feelings surrounding that is exhausting. I know what the answer is: walk in the Spirit. Be available to God and when He says to act, act. Be fully at home when I’m home, but also be aware and listening for the whisper to go outside and talk to the neighbors. Be aware of my friends and listen to promptings in my spirit for when I need to reach out. Stop being a people-pleaser and only live for an audience of One. Say YES. I know these things, it’s just all easier said than done.

So, there you have it: my Monday afternoon therapy session. Ha! I just think it’s important to be honest about this journey. Then you can all know how to pray! 🙂

Oh this road, it’s so unpredictable. Thank you Jesus for walking by my side.

I can’t even believe what is happening right now at my house. I’m feeling giddy, but I’m afraid to get too giddy, lest I fall in to premature giddiness.

We are having quiet time right now…and it’s quiet.

I know.  Unbelievable.

You see, I feel I have good reason to be giddy about this.  I’m almost afraid to say it, but I believe we have entered a new phase in our family- uncharted territory, if you will.  We may have just entered the phase of “Quiet Time that is Actually Quiet”. Eureka!!!!!!!

Once, ten and a half years ago, we had a baby girl.  Then, 21 months after that we had a baby boy. Then 16 months after that we welcomed our first foster baby.  That sweet first foster baby ushered us into what I’ll call “The Season of the Baby”.

(I can call it that now, with a smile, but during that time it could have been more honestly called “The Season of Insanity” or “The Season of Non-Stop Newborns for 5 years” or “The Season of G-Tubes and Alarms and Syringes and Gear Up the Wazoo” or “The Season of No Sleep for Five Years”.)

During that time of fostering we had a total of 10 infants, two of them being Havalah and Seth.  🙂 At one point during that time we had a five-year-old, a three-year-old, a 12 week old (Hava), a 9 week old who was born at 29 weeks with multiple special needs, and a Korean high school student.   Oh, and just to make things even more exciting, Jed worked in a city an hour away and was finishing his degree in night school.  Jesus take the wheel.  I get panicky just thinking about it.  We loved foster parenting, and I can without a doubt say it was one of the most difficult and most wonderful experiences of my life, but it is not for the faint of heart.  I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, no regrets, I’m just saying it was a tad exhausting in every way imaginable.

(You can read more about our fostering journey here, here, here, and here.)

BUT, right this very minute Seth is upstairs playing PLAYING!!! in the bedroom, all alone, and he has been for the past hour.  I told him we were going to have quiet time and he didn’t have to sleep (naps don’t go over well with Seth), but he needed to play quietly and not come out until the timer went off.  The timer just went off and he said he wanted to stay and play longer!!!!  I CAN’T BELIEVE IT.  Seth has just recently really begun to play with toys, and because of some of his prenatal history I never expected a ton of independent play from him.  Boy oh boy, is he proving me wrong.  Just like he always has.  🙂  What an awesome boy.  Hava loves to play alone, so quiet time is like heaven for her.  Addy and Ez are home from school today, reading in the other room.  Ezra is reading…ALONE.  Somebody pinch me.

So, yeah, I’m a little excited about the quiet time possibilities.  I feel like a whole new world has opened up.  Maybe I could bake, or study language, or read a book, or teach Addy and Ez without 236 interruptions or… think!  So far I’ve baked pumpkin cupcakes and swept the floor and written this post, and I still hear him playing away.

Quiet Time for the win!