I (Kim, if you’re new here) wear a few hats here at Wide Awake International.

1. Mom of EVERYONE
2. Communications Director. If you hear some news coming from Wide Awake, it’s from me. Hellooooo!
3. Medical Director. Now that sounds like quite a lofty title that should belong to someone super smart, but alas, it’s just me.
4. Gardener-Extraordinaire. I gave that title to myself and I’m keeping it. 😆

The mom hat never comes off. It’s front and center at every minute of every day. For our kids, for our boys, I’m always mama. The Communications Director hat comes on about 3 times per week. Sometimes it’s a joy for me to tell our story and sometimes it feels like a bit of a drag, but whether I like it or not, that hat’s not going anywhere. The story’s gotta be told and I’m honored to be the one to do it (except on the days when I really don’t feel like it…hehe). The Medical Director hat is one that I have been hesitant to call my own for many years.

I’m an RN and worked for 12 or 13 years in a hospital in Oregon before moving to Ukraine. I’m a smart person with a lot of experience, but moving to another culture has a way of making you feel like the most incompetent, stupid person to walk the face of the planet. I went from working confidently as a charge nurse in a hospital to not knowing how to ask for the right size of bag for my groceries at the store. I went from being a social, outgoing person to a wallflower who was afraid of opening her mouth for fear of sounding like a toddler because the Ukrainian language was so dang confusing. That lack of confidence and growing self-doubt crippled me for many years. So when we started taking our boys out of the institution the thought of learning to navigate the confusing Ukrainian medical system and fighting for their health sounded like the equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest. I had no idea how to do it. I had no desire to do it. And I had no confidence that I would succeed in finding them help.

When we adopted Vlad we took him straight to the US to deal with understanding his medical needs there. And then, thankfully, the first 4 boys we brought out of the institution while in Ukraine (Boris, Anton, Ruslan, and Sasha) had no urgent health needs and I was able to dip my toes in the medical system waters without having to fully submerge. We could get by with a couple specialist visits a year and things were “good enough”. Honestly, the trauma they were all bringing to the table was much more urgent than any physical diagnosis. They were soooooo broken in their minds and hearts- their bodies could wait.

We got by pretty well the first few years and their bodies began to heal a lot, just by living in a loving, safe environment. We fed them a diet of healthy, whole foods. They got plenty of sunshine and fresh air. We gave them vitamins and paid close attention to food intolerances. We kept them on their meds and/or added some meds to help with some difficult behaviors. And they began to heal. My Medical Director hat wasn’t really required. The Mom hat was enough.

Then came Yaroslav and Vova and everything changed. Their medical needs were much higher than our other boys and the Mom hat would not be enough- not nearly enough. It was time for me to think like a nurse again and to take charge of our boys’ health, whether I felt qualified or not. So, with my trusty sidekick, Roma at my side, we dove on in- on a mission to get our boys as healthy as possible. And it has been an interesting ride.

The diagnoses we are addressing are (this doesn’t count Vlad who is currently in the US):

1. Cerebral Palsy x 3
2. Epilepsy x 2
3. Foot deformities x 2
4. Phenylketonuria
5. Williams Syndrome
6. Mitral Valve Regurgitation
7. Hypertension
8. Phenylketonuria
9. Gluten intolerance
10. Lactose Intolerance x 3
11. ADHD
12. Anxiety Disorder x 3 (really, all of them except Sasha would probably qualify here)
13. Microcephaly x 3
14. Scoliosis
15. Autism Spectrum Disorder x ???
16. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

Plus, we’ve got a host of undiagnosed issues that we are constantly weeding through: frequent vomiting, chronic constipation, symptoms of PTSD (duh), skin issues, frequent bloating, gait problems, balance issues, improperly healed broken bones…

As you can see, the needs have become significant enough that just acting like mom isn’t going to cut it anymore. First I took on more of a Case Manager role. We don’t have active primary physicians here who are, with a team, managing our boys’ care. It’s all on me and the more boys we have in our care the more organized and intentional I’ve had to become in that role. Roma and I began to search for doctors that we felt we could trust that would see the value of our boys and treat them well. We visited many, many doctors and rejected many, many doctors. We did bloodwork, tested urine, adjusted med doses, weaned off unnecessary meds, and more. We have been to countless specialists and have worked hard to improve our boys’ health, but unfortunately I don’t see much of a difference. In the spring I found myself increasingly frustrated at the perspective of the doctors we visited. They were doing their job, but I felt it just wasn’t enough. I couldn’t be satisfied, but didn’t know how to articulate what else I was seeking. We were treating all their symptoms and diagnoses, but their bodies were so deeply broken by the years of neglect and abuse, another approach was necessary for them to find true health. I realized what I really wanted was healing for them from the inside out. I also realized that if I wanted that for them then I was going to have to take the task on myself. No one knows their bodies better than I do and it is my responsibility to see them live up to their full potential. No doctor is going to dig deep enough. This is on me. Medical Director hat ON.

I began to research how to get smarter. 🙂 I thought maybe I should go for my Nurse Practitioner license, but dismissed that almost right away. It’s not something I could do while in Ukraine and really, it’s not the specialty I’m looking for. After more and more digging I started to become familiar with the world of Functional Medicine. The deeper I dove into that world the more convinced I became that the functional medicine perspective is what is needed for our boys.

What is Functional Medicine? The Institute for Functional Medicine defines it like this: “Functional medicine is a systems biology–based approach that focuses on identifying and addressing the root cause of disease. Each symptom or differential diagnosis may be one of many contributing to an individual’s illness.” Functional medicine looks at the root cause of disease, not just the symptoms. It’s a way of looking upstream, and then addressing issues all along the way while looking at the diet, environmental toxins, mental and emotional well being, and more. Our boys definitely need an upstream, whole person approach and I think functional medicine is the approach that will bring them into greater health. Functional medicine doesn’t replace traditional medicine, but compliments it and works along with it.

Functional medicine isn’t a thing in Ukraine, but I really believe it will help our boys and so I have decided to become a functional medicine provider myself. After graduating nursing school more than 20 years ago I told myself I would never ever go back to school, buuuuuuut, here I am, eating my words. Never say never! In just a few days I will head back to school as a part of the School of Applied Functional Medicine’s fall cohort. Eeeeeek! The program to become a functional medicine provider is a 2.5-3 year process, so it’s gonna take a while, but I’ve heard from graduates that I will be able to begin implementing my learning within the first 6 months, so that excites me. I don’t want to wait any longer for our boys to gain better health.

I’m eager to share with you the things I learn along the way as we walk this new path of healing for our boys. I’m also excited to expand my knowledge and become a more well-rounded medical professional. Our boys deserve the very best and I’m truly honored to do this for them. Here we gooooooo!

A little over a month ago I had had it with our boys and their feet. Ruslan had once again walked a hole through the bottom of his shoes and another PT had told us that he couldn’t help, and said in fact “No one in Ukraine can help you.” In the throes of frustration, I decided to put it out to the wonderful Wide Awake community to see if any of you knew someone who could help our Ruslan. We had exhausted our resources here in Ukraine and at last, decided it was time to look outside our borders for help. I wrote a blog post asking for help or recommendations for Ruslan and was blown away by all of you! You all came out of the woodwork with ideas and offers to reach out to doctors on Ruslan’s behalf. Many of you even told me that you had been following us for a long time but this was your first time reaching out- and I was so so glad to hear from you! It was really encouraging to see how many of you deeply care for our boys. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

I am so pleased and thankful and EXCITED to share with you that a medical team and hospital in California have agreed to treat Ruslan’s foot for free!! It’s really going to happen! I’m still a bit in shock and I’m not sure I’ll believe it’s real until Jed and Ruslan land there in California, but believe it or not, we are moving forward in faith and doing the work on our end to make it happen. It’s so exciting, right?

Who? How? WHAAAAAAAT? I know you are dying to know the details. Sit tight and I’ll tell you. ☺️ Just a few days after I wrote the post asking for help I got an email from a super kind lady in Oregon who had been following us for years, but whom I’ve never met. We have a mutual friend ❤️ from my days working as a nurse in Oregon. She told me that she has a brother who works as an anesthesiologist at a hospital in California. She read our blog, reached out to him, and right away he was interested in helping. The anesthesiologist asked his friend, the surgeon if he was on board and he also agreed! Then that most kind anesthesiologist wrote to the hospital and the hospital answered YES! In a matter of just a few weeks, God put us in contact with the kindest people with the most generous hearts and it’s a go!

I waited a couple of weeks to share this with you because we had to figure out the issue of getting Ruslan a visa. I wanted that situation somewhat in hand before I spilled the beans. Right now, during wartime, the US embassy in Kyiv is not issuing any visas. That means that we had to find an embassy in another country at which to schedule a visa interview. Embassies always prioritize the residents of the country where the embassy is located and on most of the websites, it said that nonresidents would need to wait until 2024 for a visa interview. We really, really didn’t want to wait a year for this surgery when we have doctors and a hospital willing and able to do it whenever we’re ready! But, we worked it out and Ruslan has a visa appointment in July in Bucharest, Romania. We will need to move the date out a bit, but at least we are in their system! That was the most important part. The tentative plan as of now is for Ruslan and Jed to travel to Romania for the visa in late July or early August and then fly straight from Bucharest to California for the surgery. Once the surgery is done Ruslan will be non-weight bearing for 6 weeks. So, all together Jed and Rus will likely be gone for about 2 months. As our new anesthesiologist friend wrote, “Oh what a great adventure we are starting together” 🙂

How you can help: Jed and Ruslan will be in the Santa Cruz area for the surgery. Do any of you live near there? We do have lodging covered for Jed and Ruslan for the time they will be in California. What we definitely need help with is a car. If any of you have contacts in the area who might have an extra car that Jed could use for several weeks in early August it would be a great help. Also, any help with meals or groceries would also be just a wonderful gift. Those first few days back at the guest lodging with Rus will likely be quite difficult and any support any of you could offer Jed would be a blessing to him and Ruslan both. If you live in the area and would like to help in any way, we would love to hear from you! You can email me at kjohnson@wideawakeinternational.org

Thank you again to everyone who went for bat for Ruslan over the past month. We are really thankful for every effort made on his behalf. We don’t take it lightly and are honored that you would speak out. I promise to keep you updated on this journey toward wholeness for our Rus. Praise God for his great love for our boys!

I know I’ve said it before, but here I am saying it again: our boys are superheroes. They really are! They are survivors. After all they endured while living in the institution, they still enjoy life and have learned to love and trust others, all the while daily overcoming the limitations of their physical bodies. They are forces to be reckoned with.

Our Ruslan is a mega-superhero. Is that a thing? Well, I just made it one. 🙂 He has a foot that is pretty severely deformed, and he has never had a shoe that actually fit, but he never ever complains about it. He has to limp when he walks, which over the years has transformed his hips and spine as he compensates for the limp, but he rarely even complains about any discomfort in his body. On the one hand it’s awesome because it just shows how strong he is. But on the other hand it’s sad, the fact that he has just adapted to the pain and has zero expectation that his body could change for the better. Ruslan has resigned himself to his broken body, but the rest of us have not. We want something better for him and won’t stop looking until we find a way to help.

It is not our practice at Wide Awake/Dim Hidnosti to immediately search in other countries for help for our boys, but to try to use only local resources whenever possible. One of our goals is to create something that can be replicated by Ukrainians in other parts of the country. If we rely too heavily on western help we are creating an unsustainable model that is only achievable with western connections. We want to be a spark of change in the culture here and are always on the lookout for local like-minded medical professionals who want to partner with us to help improve the lives of people with disabilities. At the same time, we recognize that this is an extremely difficult time here in Ukraine and sometimes outside help is what is needed. This is one of those moments.

Over the past four years we have searched and searched and have not been able to find any help for Ruslan here in Ukraine. Doctors don’t want to touch him and physical therapists say it is much too late for anything to be done. We tried to find a place where they could make him some special shoes, but only one company agreed to try and their attempt looked like Frankenstein shoes! I kid you not- they were like props from a horror movie. I think Rus lasted about 5 days before he just refused to put them on. They were so heavy and clunky (not to mention uuuuuuugly). He could barely walk in them. No other companies will even try to make shoes for Ruslan. Last week a PT told us “No one in Ukraine can help you. No one.” Hmmmm not exactly encouraging.

Alright, so we haven’t had any luck finding help here in Ukraine, but we refuse to just sit down and accept that. Rus is a young man and he has his whole life ahead of him. Surely we can do something to improve the quality of that life! If we don’t, his posture will only get worse and I fear that someday he won’t be able to walk anymore at all. We have to stay on this and not let it go.

So, now I’m coming to you, our awesome Wide Awake community. Will you help us search for help for Ruslan? We are looking for knowledgeable medical professionals who can become a resource for us and help us to understand the steps we should take to help Ruslan walk better and more comfortably. I have no idea what a solution for Rus even looks like.

Do we need to try to fix Ruslan’s foot with surgical interventions? If so, where can we do that? We need a surgeon to donate his time and a hospital to donate their facilities. Ruslan is a Ukrainian citizen, but he could easily get a visa to the US, for example, because Jed is his guardian and Jed is a US citizen. Several years ago we got a visa for Boris that way with zero problems.

Is surgery impossible or too big a risk and we need special shoes made? Great! Who can make the shoes and where do we need to go to make that happen? Our current solution is buying whatever shoe we find that will “semi” stay on his foot and then replacing it every 2-3 months because he walks a hole into it. Not to mention he has to stop every few meters and put his shoe back on because only the ball of his foot stays in the shoe.

Is there some sort of nonprofit out there that helps people like Ruslan and we need to start by connecting with them? Great! Send their contacts my way and I’ll get on it.

We have been advised by an American PT and by Ukrainian PT’s that no therapy will help Ruslan’s foot. Everything is fused in place and the foot is not flexible at all. PT is helpful for strengthening his leg and helping with his back, but as long as he limps the way he does, he will have problems with his hips and back. It seems that we’ve got to start with the foot.

If any of you have any connections to share with me I would greatly appreciate it. Please feel free to pass this need on to others. Surely, there’s got to be someone out there who knows how to help our guy. Let’s find that person together!

BeLOVE[d]

If you have any info or leads on help for Ruslan you can comment on this post or email me at kjohnson@wideawakeinternational.org Thanks!

Her heart pounded in her chest and her stomach churned as the van turned onto the gravel road lined with trees.

Two weeks earlier she and he had left their four small children and flew all the way across the world to visit that place. They had heard the stories and knew deep in their souls that they were supposed to DO something about the injustices being done in that place and others like it.

She had cried countless tears over the past year as she washed dishes and changed diapers and swept the floor in suburban America. Her heart was broken for the helpless ones who were trapped in their suffering with no future, no hope. Though she had never met them, in her heart she already loved them. Her mama heart ached to hold them and make everything better.

The van pulled up to a gate and stopped. They stepped out of the van and instantly she heard them. She heard the sounds of the ones she had dreamed of and longed to know. The yelling, the moaning, the cries of excitement intensified- visitors had arrived!

She and he walked hand in hand down the sidewalk of the institution and the noises became louder. She saw curious faces peeking through windows and her heart skipped a beat. Would her heart deny her? Would her body betray her? Would all their preparations and prayers leave them reeling in the depth of their naivety? What if they met the boys face to face and wanted to run away from them instead of embracing them? What if this was not the YES they had hoped it would be?

But then a door opened and she was among them, punched in the gut by the smells and the sounds; all five senses assaulted in an instant.

As she and he were swarmed by faces and hands and bodies, fear melted away and her heart became alive. In that moment she realized that her soul had been longing for those souls in front of her. Her hands were covered in their saliva and their scent, and yet she couldn’t contain the joy and the “rightness” she felt in that moment. She glanced in his direction and their eyes met. He gave a slight nod, yes, he felt it too.

This was what they were put on the earth to do. These were their people. This was their path.

______________

That first day at Romaniv will forever burn in my memory. I met my boys that day. I met my future that day. I loved them instantly and fiercely that day and I promised myself I would fight endlessly for them. It was a naive love, most definitely, but it was true.

Mama Bear awoke that day. Circumstances and disappointments have made her cower in her cave these last months, afraid to love them like she did before. Living with them was harder than she imagined it would be. In the midst of their overwhelming trauma, her love has not been enough. Their hearts are like bottomless pits that can never be filled. No amount of her love will ever be enough. So she cowers in her cave, afraid to give more, afraid to bring more boys to freedom because of the damage, pain and disappointment that is sure to follow.

But she can not fight for them from her cave. She can not fight for them and remain safe from pain. To love them is to feel their pain and to walk with them through it, even if that walk takes forever.

I am their Mama and I will not be afraid.

Yes, it’s true. A family has committed to adopting Preston!

WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! So many tears and cheers around here!

Thank you to every single one of you who donated to his adoption grant and shared his face with the world. His mommy and daddy found him via social media, so sharing does work! They are a family who have been around the special needs adoption world for a while now, advocating and supporting other families. Now their time has come, and I’m super glad about it.

So many of you have asked how best to support Preston, and now his family and I can tell you that there are two BIG ways you can help.

1.  Pray. If you are a person who prays, please pray for Preston’s family to be able to move through the adoption paperwork with lightning speed. Pray that no roadblocks get in their way so they can get to their boy before he is moved.
2. Donate. The biggest obstacle to this adoption happening in a timely manner is MONEY. Adoption is sooooo expensive and this family needs our financial support to help them move along quickly. They have decided to commit their lives to Preston. In that commitment, they have agreed to all the costs that come with adding a new member to the family: emotional, physical, and financial. Let’s be real, it’s expensive to care for a child with significant special needs. Their adoption journey with Preston will continue on for the rest of his life, and so will the financial aspects of it. I would just love to bless them in this part of their journey. I would love money to not be an obstacle at all in bringing him home. Follow this link to give a tax-deductible donation to the family’s adoption fund: https://reecesrainbow.org/129794/sponsorrichardson2

* * *

I know many of you were touched deeply by Preston and his story. He is a very special boy who is destined for great things. Many of you expressed to me your desire and willingness to be his family, and for that I thank you. Thank you for opening your hearts.

I know there are some happy, yet broken hearts out there, mommies and daddies who hoped Preston would be theirs. I want to tell you that I know exactly how you feel. Our journey to our life here in Ukraine started out in that exact way. We committed to adopting a boy in Ukraine, and gave our whole hearts to him in the process, but another family adopted him before we could get there. We were happy for him, that he wouldn’t have to wait for us to have the mommy and daddy that he so needed, but at the same time we were absolutely crushed. How could we have such love for a child and then have it turn out that he was not meant for our family? It was a difficult and confusing time. I wrote about it here. 

Long story short, God used that little boy in southern Ukraine who was never meant to be our son, to turn our hearts in the direction of Ukraine, in the direction of our future. God spoke to Jed so clearly in that time,

“Jed, I am so much more interested in the process than in the end result.  You have one end result in mind, but I’m taking you on a journey.  I needed you to love that boy like a father.  I needed you to love him with abandon.  I needed you to have that father’s heart for him because I need you to love lots of little boys and girls like him.”

I believe that is the current storyline for some of you. Preston as your son was not the end result God had in mind when He grabbed your heart, but instead He is using Preston’s story to start you on a journey. If that is the case, please don’t stop. Keep moving forward. Stay in a posture of YES. Do not be discouraged. Do not harden your heart. Do not simply move on. Quiet your heart and ask the Lord what He would have you to do next because I guarantee there is a reason your heart was so touched. Our end result is us in Ukraine with a houseful of broken and beautiful men so in need of love and healing. Your end result may not be the same (If it is, come on over! We could use some help over here! Haha), but it may be the adoption of a different child, or foster care, or advocacy. This gut-wrenching, pit of your stomach, can’t eat, too many tears, broken and open heart are unto something. So don’t miss it. These times of prompting from the Lord can be game-changers.

If you need some encouragement (and you have a few spare hours…hehe) go back and read the beginnings of this blog. You’ll see how we had no idea what we were in for, but we just wanted to say YES to Jesus. It has been a wild ride, but I don’t regret one second of it. Not that we’ve got it all figured out by any means! But we have walked the road of disappointment that led to great great joy.

I promise to keep you all updated on Preston and his family’s adoption journey! So stay tuned!

BeLOVE[d]

Update 4/15: An adoptive family has stepped forward for Preston! They are currently compiling their adoption dossier as quickly as possible. If you would like to donate to their adoption fund follow this link: https://reecesrainbow.org/129794/sponsorrichardson2

THANK YOU to every one of you who has shared Preston’s story with the world. As of today more than 40,000 people have viewed the blog post about his urgent need for a family.

Please keep sharing! So far no one has stepped up for Preston. There have been many, many inquiries by email, Facebook and Instagram, but no one has taken the leap.

I can not emphasize enough that this is a race against time. A family must step up NOW. If you are one of those interested families, I’m sorry to rush you…but hurry up! 🙂

Certain questions about Preston have been asked several times, so I will answer them here.

Why can’t Preston’s current family adopt him? There is no doubt that Preston’s current caregivers love him immensely. They adore him and he is a genuine member of the family. They also went into this committing to care for him for one year, and now have passed the two year mark. They never took Preston in with the plans to keep him forever. His current family saved his life. They nursed him back to life and have sacrificed SO MUCH because of their great love for him. Their hearts will break to see him go. But they are not, and have never been, his permanent plan.

1. Much like in the US, after a certain length of time in transition, a child’s case must move to a permanency plan. Preston’s time in transition has run out. His permanency plan is adoption- either domestic or international. He can not legally stay in his current situation.
2. Ukraine does not allow single parent adoptions. He currently lives with a single woman and her adult daughter. Neither of them are legally allowed to adopt him.
3. Both members of his current family have expressed more than once that they believe Preston would do best with a father in the family. He lights up around men and you can see he longs for that relationship that a father can provide. His current home can not provide that for him.

How can it be best for Preston to leave his country, culture and language and be adopted internationally? This is a question that is not easily answered in one paragraph of a blog post. So, so much in that question.

For sure, bringing Preston out of Ukraine into a family culture and language that is completely foreign to him will be very difficult for him. FOR SURE. There is no denying it. I am a huge advocate of keeping kids in their home culture whenever possible. The USA and other Western countries are wonderful and have many amazing resources that we do not have access to further east, but I definitely do not believe that the USA and other Western countries are the best place for every child.

So why do I advocate for Preston to be adopted out of Ukraine?

1. I advocate for that because no one in Ukraine has stepped forward for him.
2. Preston would greatly benefit from medical resources (therapy, medications) that are simply not available yet in Ukraine. He has so much potential, but lack of consistent therapy and doctors up-to-date on the latest in helping children with CP hold him back significantly. His CP is basically untreated at this point.
3. He is a very smart boy, but Ukraine does not have special education, so he is unable to attend school. This breaks my heart because I KNOW he is so capable. There are no resources here for home education- least of all education of a child with any special needs.

We love Ukraine. Heck, we moved our entire family here, permanently. I am not some random person who is not personally invested into this country and her people. We have given our lives to being sparks of change here. So let’s get that straight: I love Ukrainian people. I am committed to Ukraine. I also am raising children and adults with significant special needs here in Ukraine and I face every day what it means to live with people in a culture that does not accept them. Change is coming slowly, but it is extremely difficult to  live in Ukraine with people with special needs. I’m not just talking about lack of accessibility, which is a big problem, I’m talking about the attitude of the society as a whole. Life here is an uphill battle for our guys every day and I’m not going to pretend that life would necessarily be better for Preston here.

If a child with special needs is born into a Ukrainian family that love him and is ready to fight for him then OF COURSE it is better for that child to stay in Ukraine with his family. That’s not even a question. On the other hand, if a child with special needs is born into a Ukrainian family that does not want him (like Preston) or feels they can not care for him and they give that child to the State, then it is in the child’s best interest for us to look as far and wide as we can until we find someone who will love and care for him.

Those are hard words to write, but it’s my love for Preston and thousands of others just like him that compels me to point at the elephant in the room and not ignore it. If Preston is not adopted he will return to the institution where he nearly died, so no, when it comes down to him losing his language or losing his life, I will not say it is best for him to stay in  Ukraine.

If you have more questions about Preston or adoption please don’t hesitate to ask! I am happy to talk with interested families.

I wrote extensively about his needs here.  You can give a tax-deductible donation to Preston’s adoption grant here.

Thank you for your continued advocacy! Please keep it up! Let’s find our boy a family.

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I know I wrote some strong words about Ukraine. Of course there are many exceptions to this and a few of them come and work at our house every day. They fight alongside us for our guys and they, and others like them, will be the ones to change their country. 

Yesterday we got Anton and Ruslan’s medical histories from the institution. Oh my heart. Twenty plus years of their life, summed up in doctor’s chicken scratches on paper yellowed from time. We know the basics of how they spent the last 20 years. They sat on benches inside in the winter, and sat on benches outside in the summer. End of story. The medical files are the only hints we have of any significant life events outside bench- sitting.  They are our glimpse of our boys’ past- those, and a photo of each boy from time gone by.

My heart leapt and sank when I saw the photos. My babies! Oh my dear ones, I’m so sorry you had to wait so long. I’m so sorry you had no mama to comfort you, no papa to guide you. I’m so sorry you endured such abuse and neglect when you could not defend yourselves. You were so young, so small. My heart is broken for the little boy left at Romaniv alone and afraid.

Our life here is a full one; full of responsibilities and full of people. But our life here is also a lonely one. Our lives are completely absorbed with the care of people whom the society has thrown away. Our time, energy and love is wrapped up in people who are not accepted in this country. Our work is isolating. Couple that with language barriers and cultural difference, and then add the distance from loved ones…sometimes the loneliness of this life threatens to overwhelm.

The other night I was rocking Evie to sleep in a quiet, dark room. My thoughts were wandering and all of a sudden I was completely overwhelmed by loneliness. It washed over me like a giant ocean wave. I’d never felt anything like it. Evie wasn’t asleep, but I had to leave the room, lest my mind wander to a verrrrrrry dark place. I wept as I longed for family and friends far away. I lamented my lonely and often isolated existence in my Ukrainian village. I wished for the peer relationships with other moms that are non-existent at this time of my life when I need them so badly. If there ever was a “woe is me” moment- that was it. Not.pretty. Yikes.

I share that story not to bring pity on myself or to fill my inbox with messages from concerned friends, but to share what I am learning from it.

The feelings of loneliness I have are only the tip-tip-top of the iceberg of the loneliness our guys lived with their whole lives. In Anton, Ruslan and Boris we are seeing the effects of how 30 years of utter aloneness and helplessness shape a person. The effects are devastating. In my own loneliness, which greatly pales in comparison to the life they have known, God is granting me greater empathy and compassion for the boys I love so dearly.

I may feel alone, but-

I am surrounded by my family who love and care for me. They were abandoned by their family.

I chose this life that I’m living, and the sacrifices that come with it. They had absolutely no choice or agency in their situation. They were completely helpless. 

I have always been taught, and have always known that I was loved by God first, and also by many people. They had no one to teach them or comfort them. 

I have hope. I know that this work, this life is exactly what God has asked me to do and I trust that He will give me the grace to do it. They had no reason to hope. They lived in hell and were prisoners, innocent of any crime.

I do believe and trust that God comforted them while they were in the institution. I believe that He fathered them in ways we could not see. His word says that He is a Father to the fatherless, so I know it has to be true. At the same time, there is the reality that they were abused and neglected in every way- for decades. I can’t explain that paradox. I know both sides to be true and I guess I just won’t be able to make sense of it this side of eternity.

Jean Vanier, a great man who has spent his life living with and loving people with intellectual disabilities, said “To be lonely is to feel unwanted and unloved, and therefore unloveable. Loneliness is a taste of death. No wonder some people who are desperately lonely lose themselves in mental illness or violence to forget the inner pain.”

Ruslan, Anton, Boris, Vladik. I weep over the many years they had to taste that loneliness. I look at the pictures of them as little ones and wonder at what could have been, had they not waited so long.

In Ukraine alone, there are thousands of children and adults who are helpless and alone in institutions. But it doesn’t have to be that way!

Do you have room at your table for one more? Do you have love in your heart to give? Could you reach out and give of yourself so that one more soul could know the love of a family? No child, no adult should be alone and if you have the ability to help, then by all means- do it. It really doesn’t need to be more complicated than that. If all that is standing in your way is your desire for your own comfort, then it’s time for something to change.

Adoption is messy and uncomfortable and hard. Let’s be honest, it’s so much easier to not adopt. Like 500% easier. But this life isn’t about doing what’s easier. It’s about chasing hard after Jesus and running the race full-on till the race is complete. If you are alive, then your race is not complete. If running hard after Jesus means laying down your life so that another may truly live, then just go ahead and do it. If adoption is meant to be your YES and you are still saying NO, please reconsider. Someone is waiting for your yes, and the sooner you can get to that someone the better. If adoption isn’t supposed to be a part of your race, that’s perfectly okay! Just figure out what your YES is and get busy doing it.

In this month of November, this National Adoption Month, please consider again if adoption should be your YES. Consider again how you can make space in your heart and home for the lonely. Consider laying down your life so that others may live. Say YES!

BeLOVE[d]