One year.  ONE YEAR!  Today marks one year since we landed in Ukraine to start this crazy new journey.    We’re calling today our “Ukraine-iversary”.

I remember the elevator door opening in to the baggage claim at the airport in Kyiv.  I remember looking around and wondering how on God’s green earth were we going to get all 12 suitcases, all 4 carry-ons, all 5 personal items, the guitar, and all four children from baggage claim, through customs, and to the van that we hoped was waiting for us.

And then.  Then I saw frantic waving through the sliding door as it opened and closed past customs.  There were at least 8 friends from Kyiv Vineyard with HUGE smiles on their faces, waiting to help us out the door.  Oh the relief.  Those dear, sweet friends will never understand what the moment meant to me.  We were not alone.  We had loved ones waiting for us.  And that’s how it has been along this whole journey.

Now some of those who greeted us are like our Ukrainian family.  Now Vasya, the driver who I hoped and prayed really would be waiting for us, is a loved friend who drives us to and from Romaniv almost every single week.

What a journey.  What.a.journey.

This year has been full.

Full of laughter, and full of tears.  Full of hugs and kisses, and full of loneliness.  Full of learning, and full of humility.  Full of intense joy and intense grief.  Full of being a stranger, and full of absolute belonging.

But most of all, this year has been full to the brim, and then overflowing with blessing.

God has blessed us this year beyond our wildest dreams.  His goodness has been without end.  This has been the hardest year of our lives, but also the absolute best year of our lives.  There have been days when we felt like the craziest people on the face of the earth, but God has walked beside us every second.

You know what’s exciting?  This is just the beginning!!!  One year is like nothing!  We’re just scratching the surface of the plans God has for the special boys and young people we serve.  The dreams He has been giving us are even wilder and crazier and bigger than before.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU a million times THANK YOU for walking with us on this journey.  Thank you for your prayers, your encouragement, your comments, your emails, your financial support, your care packages, your love.

 We are blessed to have you on the team.

To celebrate this most awesome Ukraine-iversary we have brought back the BeLOVE[d] t-shirts! 

We will be selling the shirts until the end of the month, and 100% of the proceeds will go toward the transportation of our volunteer teams to and from Romaniv.  They are Jesus’ hands and feet to our Boys and your support helps them (and us!) get there as often as possible. 

Check out the sale at www.booster.com/wideawakeinternational

We are rapidly approaching our one year anniversary of life here in Ukraine.

Has it already been one year?  Has it been only one year????

So much has happened in this past year it feels like a million lifetimes have passed since we touched down in Kyiv that cold November night.

Before we moved we’d been warned by other missionaries and in missionary books and missionary blogs that the first year overseas is a beast. We tried to prepare ourselves for that, but how can you really prepare, emotionally and spiritually, to leave everything you have ever known and held dear- and start over? How can you prepare to go from being a pretty smart person to feeling pretty much dumb pretty much all the time? How can you prepare for what it will be like to watch your children hurt and struggle and feel lonely? How can you prepare to go from being a vital part of a vibrant community of like-minded people to living on the fringes of society?

You just can’t. You can try, but you just can’t be prepared. You just have to jump and trust that your loving Father will catch you.

This first year has been the hardest time of our lives. It has stretched us and jostled us and turned us upside down.

And yet…

How can you prepare to have your heart invaded by 80 boys tucked away in the middle of nowhere? How can you prepare for the joy of knowing young men and women with special needs who can light up the room with a single smile? How can you prepare to watch God fling open doors that have been shut for years? How can you prepare to feel the absolute smile of God and joy of the Father as you walk right down the center of His will? How can you prepare to watch young men and women loving your children with utter abandonment?

You just can’t. You can try, but you just can’t be prepared. These things are what you experience in that catch of the Father.

My heart came to a new place this past week. I was washing the dishes and thinking about our upcoming Ukraine-iversary, and I realized that I’m good. I’m okay. We will most likely live here for a very long time, and I’m okay with it. When we moved here we sold everything except what we packed in our 12 suitcases (and a couple tubs in storage). We came here with the mindset that this is our new home until God says otherwise. We knew then that if we came for a set amount of time we would forever be looking at that deadline and we wouldn’t settle in for the long-haul. We know that about ourselves.

I can’t know the heart of God, and His ways are higher than mine. Maybe He’ll have us leave here next month, but I highly doubt it. I can’t say I know the future, but I can say that the dreams God gave us are big HUGE dreams that are going to take a loooooooong time. So, as things stand now, I expect us to live in Ukraine for many, many years.

We are here for the long-haul, and I’m good. I’m sad, but I’m good. Thinking about the long-haul a few months ago only made me cry. I’ll be honest. Now it makes me cry and it makes me smile. It makes me cry because I miss my family and my friends across the ocean. I saw pictures of a bunch of my family all together last weekend and I bawled my eyes out. I should be there with them. How can I not be there with them? How can we raise our children so far away from family? How can we bear all the missed holidays, all the missed birthdays, all the joys of daily life? Christmas is coming. How will we bear it? I don’t know and I don’t even want to think about it. I guess I have to trust that God will catch us then too. It’s so hard, but we just have to trust Him that He will fill those empty places- for us and our family in the US.  That part is incredibly hard.  I can’t even tell you how hard.

The long-haul also makes me smile. It makes me smile because of our dear ones here. How could we ever leave our Boys???? How??? How could we leave and not be a part of their lives? How could we walk away and not know what happened to them, where they lived out their days? How could we stop fighting for them? And what about our young adults with special needs? We love them! How could we leave? And what about all our friends? Our church? Leaving here would be just as devastating as it was to leave Salem. I’ll even dare to say it would be more devastating deep down, simply because our loved ones in America are daily loved and care for by many, but our Boys are not.

Sigh. There just aren’t any simple fixes. It’s just painful and joyful and trustful and tearful. All we can do is trust and keep hold of the hand of our Father.

So, I’m in a new place. I’m in a place of seeing the long road stretched out before me and feeling okay with walking in that direction for many more years. There will be plenty of tears and joys along the way, I’m sure of that. But oh the peace that comes from saying YES to Jesus- one step at a time. There’s just nothing like it.

“Did you just end up on this earth?  Was it all an accident?

The Bible says it wasn’t an accident.  It was a plan.  

You didn’t just end up here.  God put you here on purpose.   

God wanted you here, and he had to have you here right now.  Because he has a wonderful plan for you- something that only you can do.

Every single thing about you- the color of your eyes, your name, what you love, every day you will live- God knew before time began.

Even before you were born, he loved you.  You began in God’s heart.

You are his.  Made by him.  Made for him.”

– Thoughts to Make Your Heart Sing, by Sally Lloyd-Jones

A young man the size of a small boy rocks back and forth in his bed tonight.  He is surrounded by others just like him, yet he is alone.  In the bed next to his, another boy hits his head with his hand over and over, his attempt to feel something.

I’m not there with them, but I know what they are doing.  I know because it is what they are always doing- every hour, every day, every week, every month, every year.  Their lives are empty shells.  They’re here on this earth, but not truly living.

On Tuesdays and Fridays a group of smiling people come to their room and offer them love and bananas, but with vacant eyes they can’t seem to respond or engage.  They shrink away from touch and scream when too much unexpected action occurs.

Their lives consist of one hallway with several identical rooms, where every day is the same.

And there they live out their days, so alone- like dead men walking.

And yet, their lives have infinite value.

Each one lovingly formed and crafted in his mother’s womb.  Our Father God has always known every single detail about them.  He knows what lies behind the blank faces.

He knows.  He loves.  Oh how He loves.

And in His great love and mercy He has not forgotten them.  Even as they sit and rock right at this very moment He has plans for them.  Our God has a future and a hope for them.  He promises it, so it is so.

I picture God the Father looking down on them with eyes so full of love He can’t contain himself. I see his eyes brimming over with tears at the pain and suffering they have endured.  But I hear him whisper ever so softly, “Don’t you worry sweet baby.  Daddy’s here and it’s all going to be okay.”

The infinite value of a life.  

A young woman heads to work on the subway, her favorite music keeping her company along the way.  She looks at all the strangers around her and feels small.  A man pulls his truck in to the parking lot at his office, right on time despite the traffic.  Another day, another dollar.  A harried mom makes lunches and checks homework and ties shoelaces before hustling her brood out the door.  An old man, nearing the end of his days, waits for his caregiver to come help him in to his chair so he can peruse the morning news.  Oh how he wishes he could still do it himself.  It’s hard to have to rely on others.  A teacher welcomes her class with a smile- yet behind the smile she wonders if she is really making a difference and how she will manage to make it through another day.  A Grandma, a taxi driver, a teenager, a child, a seamstress…

…and you.

Each one infinitely valuable.  Each one made with a purpose and for a purpose.

Oh how He loves.

From the weakest boy at our orphanage to the strongest and most alive among you- God sees you and He knows you.  He created you with so much value.  What will you do with it?

You have choices and abilities and loves and talents.  How will you use them?

Will you use your life as a yes to God?  Will you let Him use you fully as you He intended you to be?  Can you imagine how beautiful that would be?  -If each of us lived our lives fully as God intended.  If we each invested the value of our lives in to God’s Kingdom and in to the ones who have no choices- the lost and forgotten, the discarded ones.

Please don’t dismiss your value.  Don’t squander this life you’ve been given.  It’s such a great gift!  Maybe today it seems really hard.  Maybe today you don’t feel you have much value.  Maybe you’ve squandered your days and live with regret.

I picture God the Father looking down on you with eyes so full of love He can’t contain himself. I see his eyes brimming over with tears at the pain and suffering you have endured.  But I hear him whisper ever so softly, “Don’t you worry sweet baby.  Daddy’s here and it’s all going to be okay.”

It’s never too late to say yes to God.

Your life has immense value.  Spend wisely today, would you?  I guarantee you won’t regret it.

I need to get better about this blogging thing…I know there aren’t many (or any!) people reading it at this point, but somehewere down the line I’ll want to go back and remember this journey.

The winds are changing!  We had thought we would start to pursue another child, but things might be heading in another direction.  I just wrote about it in an email to someone who really has inspired us along this journey, so rather than writing it all over again, I’ll just paste in part of my email.

Beginning…beginning of what?  That’s a good question.  The beginning of this blog, yes, but I had hoped today I would be starting this blog out with talking about the beginning of our adoption journey to kiddo #5.  Although things won’t look how I thought they would, I guess technically this is still about the beginning of our adoption journey.  Nice rambling start eh?  🙂

I’ll back up.  Who are we?
I’m Kim:  wife, Mommy, foster mom, home-school teacher, friend, pediatric nurse, coffee snob, lover of all things missions/orphans/helpless/least of these.  I’m passionate about the plight of the orphan, both here, and abroad.  My husband tells me my passion is “to mother the world”.  He may not be that far off!
Then there’s Jed: husband, Daddy, foster dad, friend, social worker, guitar-playin worshippin’ Jesus Freak.  He is my best friend and an amazing person.  He is selfless and totally committed to pursuing God’s plans and purposes.
Adelina: our oldest daughter, our amazing firstborn.  She loves to read and read and read.  She is mildly obsessed with Ancient Egypt.  Ha!  Addie is kind, loves and lives life to the fullest with a perpetual smile on her face.
Ezra: our first son, our “helper”.  Ezra loves to color, cuddle mommy, and jump on the trampoline.  He adores his older sister (though he would never admit that to anyone).  He is loving and tender, always the one to rush to kiss the babies.
Havalah:  our joy.  The name Havalah means “life”, and she is perfectly suited for her name.  Havalah is a bubbly ball of sweetness that you just can’t help but squeeze.  She knows what she wants and will let you know it!  She is our Polly Pocket and Strawberry Shortcake girl.
Baby “S”:  our unexpected miracle.  S is our foster baby boy that we have had since his birth.  We didn’t expect to keep him when we took him in, but now we can’t imagine our lives without him.  He will be one year old on Saturday and what a celebration that will be!  I’ll share another time the miracle that is our baby.  We are in the process of adopting him through our state.  He is happy, beautiful, and absolutely adored.

We created this blog because we recently committed to a little boy through Reeces Rainbow.  They suggest you start a blog for your adoption journey.  I actually found out about Reeces Rainbow through another blog.  I read on that blog about the plight of special needs orphans and was compelled to act.  After much prayer we knew God was calling us to pursue a certain boy.  I dreamed about him, prayed for him, God spoke, words were given, Scriptures were given, money was given!  It was very very clear to us that God was saying “Move!”  So we moved.  We sent in our committment papers and then today we found out that another family who was in country already had decided to adopt our boy.  It was a rare occurence and everyone involved was surprised at the turn of events.  We were shocked!  What do you do when you know beyond a shadow of doubt what God told you to do, but then things change so radically?  What do we make of it?  It’s confusing and heartbreaking.  When we committed to that boy I felt the feelings you feel when you find out your pregnant, and now I’m not sure what to feel since my “baby” is no longer mine.  I know legally he never was mine, but in my heart he was.  🙂

So, now we wait on the Lord.  He told us to move, so we will continue to move forward.  We will continue our home study paperwork and see where He leads.  I decided to start the blog anyhow, because even though the course of our journey has changed, I know it has not ended.  It is still the story of our adoptions of #4 and #5.  Your guess is as good as mine on how things will turn out!  God knows though, may His kingdom come and His will be done.  So be it!