This living-overseas-everythingisnew-missionary-stillawifeandmomfirst-immersion thing can be quite the doozy at times. It’s a rough and wonderful road. Sharing about it though, is fine line to walk.

I want to be real and honest.

But I don’t want to be a complainer.

I want to be me.

But how to “be me” from behind a keyboard?

I want to be respectful of people here in Ukraine.

But there are things here that are difficult for us, since this is not our home culture.

I want to be respectful of the people back in the US.

But I also want them to be challenged and encouraged to think and dream bigger- and act.

I want to share all so people know how to pray.

But I don’t want to share all because I know many Ukrainian friends read this blog and I don’t want them to worry about us or feel bad for us.

I want to share about our Boys and their need and their worth. I want to share about their lives and things that break our hearts and should never have to be endured by a human.

But I don’t want to share too much because I don’t want to disrespect them or exploit them or break relationship with the Directors at Romaniv.

Fine line. Tight rope walking.

I say all that just so you know that when I write things on this blog I don’t take it lightly. There are many people to consider and many points of view to consider. Many times I write to clarify things in my own mind and heart. Sometimes I don’t really understand my own feelings until I type them out. It’s kind of like a form of therapy for me. Lucky you, my dear Readers! Ha. I also always want to be honest about this journey. Maybe it could help others who are setting out on a journey like ours. I know I love reading honesty from those who have gone before. Somehow it settles my heart to see they struggle with things similar to my own.

Lately I’ve been trying to figure out my heart and feelings surrounding the balance of being a mother and a friend and a cross-cultural-worker here in Ukraine. When we first arrived here Jed and I both jumped right on in to work. We both volunteered at MTU, probably pretty equal amounts. Whoever wasn’t at MTU was home with the kids. It was an important time for us to figure out where we fit into everything here, and to see where God wanted us in the mix.

Then we had the summer, which was basically a whole family affair (which was AWESOME…). And now we have reached the fall, and we have a new norm. I think this new norm will be the norm for some time to come. I LOVE the new norm, but my overachieving, worker-bee, people-pleasing self won’t let me be completely at peace about it and I don’t know what that means.

The new norm is that Jed does most of the work outside the home, and I am home a lot more with the kids, reminiscent of our lives back in Oregon. Of course we both go to Romaniv twice a week, do language tutoring together, and we both work together on our youth nights for graduates, but most of the rest of the work is Jed’s. I get to focus more of my time on the home, the kiddos, and being Mom and Wife. I am in love with this. I know the kids need it and they thrive when I am home more. Focusing more time on our home and our family brings me great joy and fulfillment. When I’m gone from home a lot I feel scattered and yucky.

So, I know this is a good set-up. I know this. But then I start to question myself.

I don’t question if it’s a good thing that I’m home more. I value motherhood and I think stay-at-home moms rock. I have always dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom with no outside work committments, but that has never been what God had for me. It’s not the focus at home that I question, it’s the time spent not focusing outside the home that has me evaluating my heart.

Do I have such peace at home partly because it’s easier to be home than out in the culture that is still difficult for me? Do I have such peace at home because I feel smart at home and I mostly feel dumb as soon as I walk outside my front door? Hahaha…not kidding…hehe. When I’m at home I have this feeling like I should be outside getting to know my neighbors, or taking the kids to the playground so they can have more exposure to language and I can brave it with neighborhood moms. But as it is, I already feel like I’m not investing enough time in to the relationships here that I already have. It’s like that guilty Oregonian feeling you get when the sun finally comes out. You feel like because it’s sunny you should be outside NO MATTER WHAT. Because you never know when you might get sun again! Well, what if I don’t feel like being outside that day? What if I have inside work to do that day? Too bad. If I stay inside on a sunny day in Oregon I am riddled with guilt. (Is that just me, or do other Oregonians catch my drift?) (PS: I think I have some guilt issues)

I’m used to watching over all the friends in my life and making sure everyone is okay and included and taken care of, but I don’t have that role here with friends. Here, we are investing that time in to our Boys, and frankly the work at Romaniv can be emotionally and spiritually exhausting. I love those Boys more than I could have ever imagined and am fully committed to them and their well-being. It’s just that with being a wife and with our kiddos at home and then our kiddos at Romaniv…I don’t have a lot of reserve left on a day to day basis. I love my friends here so stinkin’ much. I just don’t feel like a very good friend here in Ukraine and I hate that feeling…but I feel helpless to change it.

Are all these feelings okay? Or am I relying too much on myself? Maybe I’m being lazy and selfish? It’s like I still have a short-term missions mindset that I have to give up every spare moment to the work and ministry here, but we are here for the longhaul. There will be no longevity if I live this life like a short-term missions trip. I know that, but I still battle. How to find the balance of time and energy spent?

Anywaysssss…balancing focus on the home and focus outside the home and all my feelings surrounding that is exhausting. I know what the answer is: walk in the Spirit. Be available to God and when He says to act, act. Be fully at home when I’m home, but also be aware and listening for the whisper to go outside and talk to the neighbors. Be aware of my friends and listen to promptings in my spirit for when I need to reach out. Stop being a people-pleaser and only live for an audience of One. Say YES. I know these things, it’s just all easier said than done.

So, there you have it: my Monday afternoon therapy session. Ha! I just think it’s important to be honest about this journey. Then you can all know how to pray! 🙂

Oh this road, it’s so unpredictable. Thank you Jesus for walking by my side.

I started packing today. We’re moving! YIPPEEE!
(That yippee wasn’t intended for the move itself, but more for the end product of where we’re moving to)

On Saturday we are moving to a new home here in Zhytomyr. It all happened really fast, hence me just starting to pack today. Yikes.

When we moved here almost a year ago we moved into a home that suited us really well for this first year in Ukraine. Our current home is super close to Mission to Ukraine, it has plenty of space for guests, it was in our budget, and it has been fine for the past several months. But, we have known all along this wouldn’t be our place to settle down in. It was a stop along the way. 🙂

We decided to start looking for something that had a yard. Oh how we have missed having a yard and a garden!! Our current home has no land or yard at all. Any and all of the land outside our door belongs to the neighbors and is a constant construction zone. We also wanted some place that could be more easily wheelchair accessible. If possible, we really wanted a house, not an apartment.

Last week we looked at two houses and the second one seemed just perfect! So, we’ll move in on Saturday!

Pros:
-It is a one-level house. I LOVE one-level houses.
-It’s really well built and nicely insulated. Ukraine is supposed to have a crazy winter on the way, so this is very good.
-MORE COUNTER SPACE!
-It has a living room! Our current home has a big dining/kitchen area, but no living room. We’ve missed having a couch. 🙂
-It’s cozy and compact. I don’t like a lot of house to clean.
-Here’s the kicker: It has an ENORMOUS space for a garden. I mean HUGE! We thought we would have to move out to the village to get land like this, and we were willing to, but finding it in town is even better! There is a big front yard/driveway and then in the back there is garden space that just goes on and on. We are happy, happy, happy.
-We’ll be about 3 blocks from a small bazaar, which is super convenient for shopping.

Cons:
-We don’t know anyone in the part of town we’re moving to. We don’t know the shops or any neighbors…starting from scratch in that way is kind of intimidating.
-The new place quite a bit further from Mission to Ukraine. No more 3 minute walks to MTU- now it’s a bus ride away. Boohoooooo
-It’s a two bedroom house, so there’s no guest room. But don’t worry, friends! The couch turns in to a bed. We’ll still have room for you!

We’re happy and thankful to have found a cozy place that looks like it can be a real home. We’ll make sure to post pictures when we’re moved in!

Now, back to packing. Yayyyyy…..sorta.

Guess what?  Yesterday I finished our camp laundry!  What?  You’re reminding me that we’ve been home for a week and a day?  Oh, I know.  It’s just that there are 7 of us (our friend Maks stayed with us for a while after camp), our washer machine is the size of my pinky finger, we have no dryer, and my children also had to be fed and stuff like that.  Anywayssss, the joy of the empty hampers was great while it lasted.  😉

Yesterday my wallet and my phone were stolen.  So sad.  The wallet was not such a big deal, there were no credit cards or anything.  My Oregon license was in there…but a lot of good it does anyone here.  There was about $100 in grivna.  The real bummer is my phone.  We saved up long and hard to get unlocked phones to bring here…and now it’s gone.  It had like 3,000 pictures on it too!!!  Many of the pics were backed up, but all the camp pics are gone forever.  Addy cried about the lost Romaniv pictures.  I cried too.  If you could pray that nothing really rotten, like identity theft, comes out of this we would really appreciate it.  It feels pretty vulnerable to have all my texts and pics just out there in the hands of some stranger.  I don’t like it at all.  Yuck.  Sooooo, if you need to call me you’ll have to go through my secretary.  His name is Jed.  He’s cute, but kind of forgetful, so you might have to call more than once.  Hehe.

On Sunday we leave for our next big adventure.  We are heading to Lviv, a city in Western Ukraine, for a Ukrainian language intensive course.  Hold me.

In May we started Ukrainian lessons with a teacher in Lviv via Skype.  Our lessons are through the Ukrainian Catholic University there and are specifically for foreigners who need to learn Ukrainian.  Oh man, it is intense.  Our teacher speaks no English during our lesson, but she really knows what she’s doing.  It makes our brains hurt, but it’s effective.  Since MTU is closed for the month of August, we decided to make a trip out to the University for a language intensive.  Our Ukrainian is a bit stuck at the moment, so we are really hopeful that two weeks of brain torture will get us over the hump.

The kids will come along, and Jed’s parents will come from Germany to take care of them in Lviv while we study.  That will be fun!  Everyone says Lviv is amazing, like the best city in Ukraine, like a completely different world compared to Zhytomyr, so we are super excited to check it out.

Can you spy Zhytomyr and Lviv?

When we get back from Lviv it will be time to head back to school!  School here starts on September 1st.  Addy and Ez will head back to Ukrainian school and Havalah will start homeschool kindergarten (What????  Impossible.).  Seth will tag along and join in with Havalah as much as he is interested.  Addy and Ezra will transfer to a new school this year.  We loved our school last year (Ukrainian public school) and had an awesome experience there.  But, there is a Ukrainian Christian school here in town and we decided to try that out this year.  It’s 100% Ukrainian, just like the other, but raising disciples of Jesus is their biggest priority.  We have many friends through MTU and camp that send their kids there, so we feel like there is greater potential for relationships there.  The kids are excited to make the move and to see people they love every day.  There won’t be anyone they know in their class, but that’s okay.  Just knowing there are many people there who know us and love us makes this Mommy’s heart feel a bit more settled.  I still don’t like them going to school, but it’s necessary for language acquisition, and this seems the most peaceful route.

Sorting school supplies. She is her mother’s daughter.

We still haven’t decided about sending Hava and Seth to the local kindergarten.  We would much rather find them a language tutor to come to play with them a couple times a week.  So, we’re searching for that possibility first.

That’s the skinny with us!  This summer has flown by, but at the same time, it seems like a lifetime ago that my parents were here visiting.  Crazy.

I’ll check in with you from Lviv!  Later gators!

The candles were lit, and white lights twinkled overhead.  The room was decked out in red and white, tablecloths smoothed, plates laden with treats.  We were ready.  I looked out the window to see the ones I love gussied up in their finest, smiling for the cameras like the stars that they are.  Moms surrounded them with pride in their eyes, snapping photos left and right, attempting to capture this moment and never let it go.

It was our last night at camp and time for our “Ladies and Gentlemen” evening.  A night created to honor our campers and let them know how we cherish them.  A night without parents, a night to feel young and free, grown up and proud.  A night made for them to take with them for the rest of their lives.

We opened the doors and applauded our dear ones as they entered the room arm and arm with their precious volunteers.  Oh, how their faces beamed with pride and excitement.  They looked absolutely stunning- each one.  Pure magic.

Every volunteer had written something special for their camper, and as each one was called up we cheered and hooted and hollered.  We told them they looked beautiful.  We read beautiful words about them, telling them how they are seen by their friends.  Some had grins you couldn’t wipe off if you tried, some blushed furiously, shy with the praise, a few wept, and I know I joined them.  🙂

Oleg shared a poem and dessert was served.  I flitted from table to table, wanting to savor each face in my mind, wanting to cement this night in my heart.  Volunteers, the waiters and waitresses for the night, served our guests like royals.  Feeding those who couldn’t feed themselves, holding hands and pushing wheelchairs, wiping drool and crumbs, smoothing skirts and jackets, refilling cups, and sharing conversation.  The cream of the crop was there that night- Zhytomyr’s finest- young people who have chosen to ignore their culture’s definition of value and choose to see with eyes of the Kingdom.

A waltz was shared and all were invited to join.  A tall volunteer bends low as he invites a beauty in a wheelchair to join him in a dance.  She laughs big as another volunteer cuts in. Every soul celebrated and treasured.

We ended the night with fireworks and the joy on each face was indescribable.  Kingdom of Heaven come to earth.  God’s Kingdom come here and now- on earth as it is in Heaven.

I wish I could transport each of you back to that night with me.  I wish you could see and feel the joy in the room.  I want you to meet those we love so.  Roma, Vitaliy, Dasha, Natasha, Luba, Andrei, Vitya, Rostik, Oksana, Vika, Anton, Olya, Maxim…real people with real hopes and dreams. They may be limited by their bodies, but there is no limit to God’s love for them.  They are of infinite value and worth.  They are worth it.  They are worth time and effort and energy and love.  They aren’t a diagnosis or a mystery in a chair.  They are beloved sons and daughters and sisters and brothers and friends, and on Sunday night they were celebrities.  🙂

I won’t be the same after this last month.  Our whole family is changed.  So much was solidified in our hearts and many, many times this past month my heart knew there was no place else I’d rather be.  Yes, it is often difficult.  Yes, the language barrier makes me want to scream.  Yes, we feel like outsiders much of the time.  Yes, sometimes we are lonely.  Yes, we miss our family (so much).  Yes, we miss our church (so much).  Yes, we miss one-stop shopping and dryers and the coast and the beauty of Oregon.  But our hearts know where they belong. Our hearts belong in a town full of those broken in body but alive and awake in spirit. Our hearts belong in an institution of the broken and forgotten.  Our hearts belong with the royalty of Sunday night and with those who served them.

Praise God for knowing so much better than we do.  Praise God for those who have gone before us and paved the way in a society that says their work is of little value.  I just can’t thank God enough for placing our family here.  Not every day is lollypops and roses, and someday soon I will share some of our struggles.  But beyond all that I am thankful.  God has flooded our hearts with love that only comes from Him and I can’t even express to you in words how much we love our Ladies and Gentlemen.  They are absolute treasures.

How is this our life?  Somebody pinch me.  

Hi!  Wow, it’s been quiet around here!  BUT, for good reason.  Grams and Papi (my parents) are here visiting!  YAY YAY YAY!!!!!!!!!  So, I’d apologize for the lack of blogging, but I’m sure you all understand.  The last thing I want to do when I have my family here is sit down at the computer.  HA!  There’s so much to show them, so many people for them to meet, so many foods to try, so many Seinfeld episodes to watch together….time is precious.  But, they’re still sleeping this morning, so I thought I should take the time to share about their visit so far.

Grams and Papi arrived last Sunday evening and they had a BIG surprise in store for our kids.  They brought along our 10-year-old nephew Isaiah!  Oh man, I can’t even tell you how many times we almost blew their secret.  But, we somehow managed to keep our mouths shut and when they walked out of baggage claim with Isaiah in tow the kids freaked out appropriately.  They have been having a BLAST with their cousin.  Addy and Isaiah are just a few months apart in age and have always been close.  So, this was just about the best surprise our kids could have gotten.

Here we are at the airport for pick-up. Addy must have jumped up and down continuously for about 20 minutes when she saw Isaiah. 🙂

Catching up on long-lost Lego play

So far we’ve taken them all over Zhytomyr, and yesterday we spent the day in Kyiv.  My dad has all the Kyiv pics, so I can share those later.  I can’t even tell you how much it means to us to be able to take them around our new home.  Now they can picture the people and places we talk about when we Skype.  Now they understand our life a bit and it just makes all of us feel better.  🙂

Isaiah has done so great here!  What an awesome traveler!  He’s tried all the food, walked many miles, and even learned a few words in Ukrainian.  He’s been a bit homesick the last couple of days, but that’s not bad for a 10-year-old being so far from home.

Ezra is so special…

We had smoothies at our favorite little cafe

My eyes disappear when I’m really happy 😉

This was probably my favorite day. We took them to our bazaar and we just had a great day. My dad took pictures of blushing Babushkas. Lots of laughs.

We went to the local park with a few rides. The kids couldn’t wait to show Grams the rides since they knew she loved Disneyland. Hahaha! Not quite Disneyland…but still fun. 🙂

Can you tell Ezra’s been watching The Sandlot?

This picture was taken after church on Sunday. Aren’t they cute?

Approximately four minutes after that last photo we were caught in a TORRENTIAL downpour. You can either laugh or cry…right?

 The highlight of the visit so far, for me, is last Friday.  My parents got to come to Romaniv with me.  I’ve been wishing and waiting for that moment since we first visited Romaniv in 2012.  This is the reason we are here.  It is so important to me that my family really “gets it”.  They have always been supportive of our move.  Although they are sad we live so far away, they never told us no.  They knew this was what God had for us, but that doesn’t make it easy to have your kids all the way across the world.  

I needed them to see the faces and hug the bodies of the ones we came here to serve.  I needed them to see why with their own eyes.  So, Friday was my dream come true.  

Friday was also Addy’s first time to come help on the team.  She did great!  She has really taken ownership of the work at Romaniv.  She has memorized the names of the boys and listens when we describe their personalities and needs.  She has been begging to come help this summer, and the Directors said it was fine.  How special that she got to go with Grams and Papi!

Isaiah and my dad leave on Friday and my mom stays for ten more days.  I’m trying to treasure every moment without thinking too much about the fact that they leave so soon.

Could you pray with us?  Although we’ve had a great time, both of my parents have been sick on this trip.  🙁  My dad got a bad head cold that seems to be improving, but he still has a lingering cough.  Ukraine has not been kind to my mom’s stomach.  Yesterday in Kyiv she was pretty miserable and today she seems even worse.  It’s such a bummer!  I really want them to be well so we can enjoy these last couple of days to the fullest.  Thanks for your prayers!

Anyway, I just can’t say enough about how much it means to have visitors here.  I know it’s expensive to get here and not exactly a vacation locale, but it blesses us SO MUCH when people come and see our new world.  We have had the best time.  I don’t want it to be over!!!!  🙂