Pardon the stream of consciousness blogging, but the main purpose of this blog is to document the journey, and sometimes I just have to spit out my thoughts as they come so I can look back and remember.  

So, back in September, we sold most of our worldly possessions.  Then in October, we moved in with Luke.  Then came the Holidays.  Then came emergency surgery for me.  Then came now.  

With the emergency surgery came loss.  We lost our little baby that day.  I wasn’t going to blog about it, but it’s all part of the journey, and I know someday we’ll look back and see God’s hand in it, so I guess I feel like it’s important to say a little something about it here.  God’s grace and His hand have covered us so completely the last couple of weeks as we’ve grieved the loss of our baby.  We still grieve, and I know that road may be long, but I don’t doubt His great love for us.  I don’t doubt His plans for our family- every member of our family- even the precious one in heaven.  I don’t doubt the promises He made and I know He will complete the work He started. 

Wonderful friends brought us meals the past week and a half as I recovered from the surgery.  One friend from church shared pizza and some beautiful words of encouragement.  She said that God is going to fill the empty space in our hearts with a dream.  

It’s already happening.  I’m dreaming about Ukraine.  My heart is broken anew for the little ones who waste away.  I grieve for their lost childhoods.  I ask Jesus to linger at their bedside and speak tenderly to them as they sleep.  I pray for great change to come in Ukraine- hearts to soften, more believers to rise up, greater faith.  My heart is broken for my baby, but in that brokenness, God is reminding me of what else breaks His heart.  He’s filling up the empty space with His dreams.    

I know the enemy would have loved to use our great loss to derail us.  No way.  Not happening.  My heart aches for my baby, but my spirit aches for Jesus.  Wherever He is going- that’s where I want to be.  In my human mind, I don’t see how anything good could come from our loss, but in my spirit, I know better.  I have to trust that He sees and He knows.  I see how He has perfectly orchestrated His plans to bring us to this place.  He has prepared Jed and I for this since we were children.  Our baby has never been beyond His grasp.    

Passion is rising, hope is rising.  The pain is there- sometimes so strong it feels suffocating, but hope still rises.  I refuse to be derailed.  I choose to be changed by this and my heart to be molded by this.  As one friend encouraged, I’m “riding the wave”.  I’m not muscling my way through the grief, but riding the wave.  Trying to rest my soul and mind, doing my best to let God minister to me in the way He knows I need it.   

I’m looking forward to the day when I can look back at this and see how He carried us through.  
He truly is good.  He truly is loving.  
He’s got our baby, and heaven looks brighter to me because of it.     

2012.  What a year. 

I think I can safely say this has been one of the biggest years of our lives.  I think I can also safely say, based on the happenings of 2012, that the biggest years are yet to come.

Our lives changed so dramatically in 2012 that it’s hard to put myself in the shoes of “January 2012 Kim”.

2012 was a year of God meeting us every step.  He spoke to us in 2011 that He has big plans for us and we just need to “keep walking” and He will make the way.  My heart is full of thankfulness for how our God kept His promises.  He met us, and He continues to meet us. 

On March 21, 2012 we welcomed Seth into our family forever.  The son of our hearts became our legal son.  What a day. I can not imagine our lives without our baby.  He is our joy, talking a mile a minute, loving trains, interested in big boy undies (Lord help us!)…our unexpected gift.  Sometimes I forget that Seth is adopted and when I’m reminded for some reason and stop at that moment to think about it I simply can not believe he didn’t grow in my belly.  He was meant for us in every single way.  He fits us like a glove and we fit him.  God met us in the hospital 2 years ago when we first met our baby, and He met us in the courtroom that precious day when He gave us our baby for keeps.  Thank you Jesus for our sweet boy.  Yay 2012!!!

April 2012 brought life changes in extreme measures.  April wins the trophy for my favorite month of 2012.  We spent the month in Ukraine and we will never ever be the same.  God met us there.  He met us in the moment we stepped off the plane and awkwardly made our way to our hostel with the help of random kind strangers.  He met us in the walls of Romaniv orphanage where our eyes met and we realized what we were created for.  He met us in the courtyard of the Lost Boys institution where we locked eyes and hearts with the boys whose lives grabbed our attention those many months before.  He met us in the moments of friendship and laughter with Ukrainian believers He placed in our path.  He gave us friends for life in Kiev, Zhitomir, Odessa, and Kremenchuk.  Every step we took along that journey was ordained by Him.  Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness and your voice that guides our every step.  

The summer of 2012 brought the beautiful gift of friendship.  New friends invaded our hearts and for that, I weep with gratitude and a HUGE smile on my face.  We are loved by many, and for that, I can’t thank Him enough.  God answered so many prayers with friends this year.  He knows just what we need.  🙂

In September we sold off loads of our stuff.  God met us in that moment in a big way.  We had asked God to show us where we would live so we could save up money for Ukraine.  The night before our garage sale He sent our wonderful, generous friend Luke to offer his home to us for free.  We stepped.  He met us.  He is too good.  He is too faithful.  

October 2012 saw us moving in with Luke and securing renters for our house with a 5-year lease (HA!).  Again, He met us.  Again, overflowing faithfulness, overflowing goodness. 

December 2012.  From the inside looking out it’s hard to know what to say about this month.  We’ve experienced great personal loss and sadness this month and in some moments the sadness feels almost suffocating.  My heart aches and my soul hurts…but then I look back.  I recount what the Lord has done.  I see how He met us every step along this crazy roller coaster of a year.  Will He not meet us now?  The word He spoke to us at the end of 2011 is still the word for us today: “Keep walking and I will make the way”.  This unexpected turn in our path is not an exception to that word.  Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever.  Look and see what the Lord has done!!  His promises remain and His goodness remains.  

Now we look forward to 2013.  My mind can’t even fathom the plans He has in store for this year.  I’m not even going to try and figure it out. 🙂  I’m just going to say “yes” to Him every day and see what comes of it.  When my heart wants to bury itself in sadness I lift up my eyes and remember this past year.  I look at my 4 babies and my beautiful husband, and my heart soars with gratitude for my God and His overflowing faithfulness and goodness.  

I trust you, Jesus.  Whatever you want to do with us this year- you do it.  We are yours and I mean that.  I mean it with every fiber of my being.  I don’t want to live for myself and my good ideas.  I don’t want to live the version of my life that seems right and comfy to me.  I want to be spent for You.  I’ll let You decide how that should look. 

So here’s to 2013!  May we live with our hope in Jesus and may we spend ourselves for Him. 

Along this journey to Ukraine there are many things we have had to let go, or will have to let go.   This month we are letting go of something very important, and along with that comes the end of an era.  We are letting go of our foster care license.  Of course, we know we can’t still be state-certified foster parents while living in Ukraine, and we haven’t been open to taking any kiddos since we made the decision to move our family to Ukraine, but…we still held on to our certification.  We were still foster parents. 

We ran into our certifier (our fabulous assigned “go-to” person at DHS) at the store a week or so ago.  She mentioned that she has been following our story through our blog and is excited about what God is doing in and through our fam.  Hi Judi! 🙂  She asked if she should just go ahead and close out our file, and we had to tell her yes.  If we were to stay certified we would have to have DHS come out and check out Luke’s house, Luke would have to be fingerprinted and all that jazz.  That would all be okay, except for a promise we made to ourselves when we first started fostering.  

Back in 2006, when our foster parenting journey began, we promised ourselves if we took a child into our home we would keep them in our home, no matter what, unless someone else decided they should move.  We wouldn’t give up on a child when the going got tough.  That was tested a time or two, but with God’s help, we kept our word.  If we were to take a child at this time I’m not sure we would be able to keep our word.  When you receive a child from DHS you never know how long they will stay with you.  Seth was supposed to be a “short placement”, and here he is, 2 1/2 years later, our son for life.  🙂  We plan to move in a year, so we just know we can’t take any more foster kiddos at this time.  

Foster Baby #1- always extra special to us

So, I guess this is so long to an era.  Our foster parenting era has been life-changing, to put it mildly.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, foster parenting is one of the best and definitely the most difficult thing we’ve ever done in our lives. (Yet!)

It shaped our family, it grew us as people, it taught us reliance on the Lord instead of our own strength (still learning that!), it built our faith, and it gave us a son.

Yes, there are problems with the foster care system.  Yes, it is tiring.  Yes, it is putting yourself out there, knowing your heart will be broken.  Yes, it is infuriating.  Yes, it is worth it.  

 

Because if you can look past the broken system and see the broken lives that God has given us, the church, to care for, it’s a no-brainer. 

The children are worth it.  They are worth fighting for.  
The parents are worth it.  They are worth loving and believing in.  

 
The system is broken and it fails people every day.  That is a problem.  But the bigger problem is that God has given the responsibility of caring for these lives to His Bride, the church, and we have passed them off to the state.  People will fail.  But God’s love never fails, and no matter who they are and what they’ve done or have failed to do- no one is beyond hope.  No one is beyond His grasp.  The state can’t fix these lives and these broken situations, but God can.  He can mend, heal, lift up, restore- and He asks us to be His hands and feet.  


We have come to the end of our fostering journey (for now!).  As we exit stage left, I would just ask you to prayerfully consider your part in caring for the orphans in your town.  How can you be His hands and feet to the broken lives around you?  

Could you foster?
Could you give respite for a weary foster parent in the thick of it?
Could you bring a meal to a foster family?
Could you donate clothes or gently used children’s gear to your local Child Welfare office?
Could you pray?

Our torch is being set down, will you take it up?  
Trust me, if we can do it, broken and human as we are, you can do it too! 

You can read more about our story of foster care here:

Foster Care Ponderings: Part 1, Our Story

Foster Care Ponderings: Part 2, Our Story

Foster Care Ponderings: Part 3, Biological Parents

Monday is our big day.

Monday we take our biggest step yet toward Ukraine.

On Monday we move in with our friend Luke and say goodbye to our house.  I can’t believe it!  We’re not leaving for Ukraine for about a year, but we’re staying with Luke while we rent out our house and pay off student debt. 

I had a little bit of an emotional week.  It’s so strange to pack things up knowing some of these things may very well stay packed up for years.  We have no idea how long we’ll live in Ukraine.  We could live there for 2 years or 20 years.  We just don’t know.  We know the dreams God gave us and that’s all we have to go by- the voice of God. 

We aren’t committing to a certain number of years, we’re simply committing our lives.  We’re committing our ears to hear God’s voice, our hands to do the work He asks us to do, and our hearts to be soft to His leading.  So I pack some things knowing I don’t want to get rid of them, but knowing they can’t come with us to Ukraine.  Things like hospital bracelets from the births of our babies, programs from our wedding, and name tags from mission trips to Kosova.  I just can’t bring myself to part with things like that.  Not yet, anyway. 

I felt myself getting a little melancholy this week, considering all the changes we are facing and will face.  I even started to have a bit of a pity party.  Ha!  But yesterday I decided enough is enough!  This is NOT about me!  This is not about my comfort.  This is about joyful obedience.  This is about joy in the fact that we are called and that God is making a way. 

I made a big vat of borscht last night in remembrance of why we are doing this.  As I chopped, sauteed, boiled, and stirred I remembered the faces and lives that touched our hearts when we were in Ukraine.  I remembered the boys who sit on benches surrounded by nothingness every.single.day.  I remembered Slavik and Alyona serving and loving with too many needs, and not enough hands.  I remembered it is my joy and my honor to sell my things and leave my house for  Him.  What do I have to complain about? 

Oh my, once my attitude adjusted I started to get really excited.  We are taking a ginormous step toward our dream!  This is really happening! 

Then I thought of friends around us also stepping out into their destinies and I was filled to overflowing with faith and joy.

God’s got this and it is our joy and complete honor to follow Him. 

At the very beginning of this journey when we still thought this journey was about adopting “Jonah” a friend was praying for us and God spoke some words to her that have guided a lot of our process thus far.  This was at the stage in the game when no one knew what we were considering.  It was just between God, Jed, and me.  We believe that God can speak through His people, and boy has this word struck the nail right on the head!  She said “God’s calling you and Jed to something very difficult.  Fear not, fear not, fear not.  The path looks really narrow, but just keep walking.  As you walk the path is going to widen and God will make a way.  Just keep walking and fear not.”

Of course we thought those words applied to the adoption process and raising a child with special needs.  We had no idea what those words really meant.  Now we’re starting to get an idea.  🙂

Back at the beginning of September, we knew that we needed to trust God to provide free housing for us.  We can’t pay off student loans in any decent amount of time if we’re still paying our mortgage.  Why don’t we rent out our house and let someone else pay our mortgage?  Then we can live somewhere for free and put money toward student loans so we are more free when we get to Ukraine!  Great idea…except that finding free housing for a family of 6 sounded a little tricky.  Yeah, we learned it’s not that tricky for God.

We asked the Lord to let us know where we were going to be living before our garage sale.  I was starting to get a lot nervous as the garage sale quickly approached and we had nowhere to move.  Yet we knew we were to keep walking and God would make a way.  The night before our garage sale a friend came over to help Jed move the heavy items downstairs for the sale.  I was gone at a home school meeting and when I got home and our friend left Jed turned to me and said “He just offered for us to live with him in his house for free.” 

HOLD THE PHONE.  WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?????

God made a way!  He did it!  He kept His word.  He did a miracle.  He moved our friend’s heart and that generous friend is opening his home to 6 people.  I don’t think our friend realizes what he just agreed to. Hehe.  Holy bachelor pad invasion Batman!

We are just absolutely blown away by the goodness of God.  We are blown away by His promise-keeping.  We are blown away by His way-making.  We are so very thankful.

In a couple of weeks, we’ll move out of this house and into our new digs.  Then we’ll spend the rest of the month getting this house rent-ready.  Please pray for a great renter for our house!  Thanks!

“So, how are the kids with all of this?”

 

The kids are awesome, as usual. 

Taking Queen Havalah on a tour of the neighborhood

They are taking all of this in like champs.  The kids know we are moving to Ukraine.  Of course, they have no idea what that really means! 

They know where Ukraine is on the map and they’ve seen many pictures.  They join in on Skype with our friends in Ukraine, so they’ll meet some familiar faces when we finally arrive there.  They know we are going to Ukraine to help the special kids who have no mommy and daddy.  They know that those kids have bodies that work differently than theirs and look different than theirs.  I think they understand as much as they can at this point, and they are excited.

 

 

Thank you again and again for all your prayers and support. 

 

God is opening doors and clearing paths!  

We stand amazed.  

 

 

 

 

 

I figured I better give an update about where we are on our journey to Ukraine.  I haven’t written much about our move in this space recently just because there is so much still up in the air.  I’m coming to realize that is pretty much our new reality though, so I better document it anyway. 

This past weekend we had a massive garage sale.  It was great!  We sold a ton of stuff.  Remember we’d already had one garage sale earlier in the summer, and now we had another massive one.  I look around my house and I still feel like we have too much stuff.  Seriously!!  Anyway, we made great headway in whittling away at all our things.  Like now the girls are sharing a dresser and Jed and I are sharing a dresser, so we sold the other 2 dressers.  We sold non”essential” kitchen items, more books, bookshelves, paired down our stuffed animal collection a bit, tools…it felt good.  

The next step is to get out of our house so we can put our mortgage payment toward paying off student loans.  Good riddance Sallie Mae!!  We’d love to sell our house, but we’re upside down in our loan, so we have to rent it out.  We’re planning on moving out of our house in October and then getting it rental-ready.  We’ve had a very generous offer from a friend concerning our living situation that I can share when it’s all finalized.  Let’s just say, God is doing just what He said He’d do!  As we take steps forward He opens up the path before us.  It’s been nothing short of miraculous.  

Right now the main focus is our living situation.  Once we get out of our house, get it rented, and start putting money away we’ll shift our focus to how God wants to finance this dream.  There’s talk of mission support raising, non-profit starting, grant writing, business plan making…all stuff that is much more Jed’s area of expertise!

We’ve contacted a few different organizations in Ukraine that do work similar to what God has put in our hearts to do and asked about partnering.  These are mostly people and organizations we visited while in Ukraine.  We aren’t sure exactly how it will all look, but we just step forward in obedience and I’m confident God will work it out.  

To people who don’t know the Lord this all sounds CRAZY.  Believe me, sometimes it feels crazy to be living it!  But, in the midst of the craziness we have peace.  We have peace that we are exactly where God wants us at this moment.  We have peace that He is paving the way and making paths straight. 

So that’s a brief update about where we’re at.  Thank you for your prayers and support!!