Here are some reflections from Jed. Warning: extreme passion ahead.  I hope you can read this with an an open heart to what the Father wants to say to you.

Church songs are great, right?

The lyrics pick us up in hard times, they carry us through the week and we are so glad to have the simple melody and words to express an emotion to God.
Or, they comfort our broken heart: songs of His goodness, faithfulness, love and on and on.
We’re walking through Gap whistling the tune, “You make all things work together for my good,” as you find your favorite pair of jeans on sale. The person in front of you buys your drink at Starbucks, “Hallelu,Hallelu, Hallelu.u.Yah.” Ok, that might be a bit off topic. 🙂

Good stuff.
Have you ever had a moment when a dear friend shares the depths of pain as a relationship crumbles, or the newsfeed reads of another child dying while escaping a war torn country, and all of the sudden those worship lyrics start to fall flat?
For us there is the oh-so-often overwhelming sense that there is not enough time or hands to give each of our boys the time they need. And even when we do get time and have plenty of hands, we still have to return them to their extremely traumatic lives.

The religious prose no longer feels robust enough to contain the suffering caused by human injustice.
You might find yourself saying, as we find ourselves saying “These lyrics don’t ring true. God, you certainly don’t seem like a good, good father. Where are you????”
Or, maybe you’ve been on a missions trip and when you came home you could barely stand under the weight of western excess in light of the severe poverty witnessed afar. Perhaps you found yourself slamming your fist down, “God, how can you allow this injustice?! This inequality! Why have you forgotten those lovely people?”
“I can’t sing these songs to you God.” You may have even felt some bitterness swelling up in your chest. Dare I say, Doubt…?

Well, if you are brave enough to sit with these feelings for a spell and not ‘numb out’, not head back to the mall or app store to ‘buy out’, you may hear God speak his answer to these questions that haunt our faith.

Think of the story of worship leader Kevin Prosch, who met God in the closet his dad locked him in and learned to play the guitar and worship in the midst of the abuse.
Or, think of the miracle tree growing in the midst of a shanty in the garbage dumps of Nicaragua that provides medicine for the family living there.
Or think of our boys and their amazing capacity to love, despite their circumstances.
God speaks. Are we brave enough to listen?

But, maybe you need more than testimony. Perhaps you still can’t reconcile the goodness of God.

This is me, by the way.
But are you still brave enough to sit with these questions, these accusations…?
Most aren’t.

Many have quietly walked away from God, shaking their heads.
“I’ve just got too many unanswered questions,” is the statement as they make their curtain call from the church community. In that case, there is a world waiting with open arms to receive your weary soul, clinking glasses, “Three cheers for one less fool, duped by faith.”

My dear cousin Brett sat outside of the garbage dump in Nicaragua, having seen the immensity of inequality and suffering caused by poverty. But then he noticed the healing tree I mentioned earlier, and he saw the comfort siblings were able to provide for their dying baby brother.
As he held these accusations out to God, “How are you working all things together for their good…? How are you perfect in all of your ways?” God met him and said, “You equate my goodness with material wealth and well-being. But goodness looks far greater than what you deem as good. You don’t get to define me and my goodness. You won’t see all that I do for my people and don’t assume that my “lack of material provision” means that I am unmoved by their suffering.”

As Kim and I sit in the midst of suffering with our boys, we hear God say, “I am so near to these precious ones. Their capacity to love comes from my nearness to them, despite all that this world has done to their bodies. I am holding them close.”

Yesterday, I was reflecting on this while watching Cousin Brett sing songs with my boys, who were rocking, singing, clapping, crying, screaming, self-harming or off in their own world.
A thought came to me, maybe a revelation. When time wraps up and we stand before God we will see the truth. We will see how He has been with each of us in our highest joys and our deepest suffering. We will see His goodness, the way He defines it, for everyone, and we will say “God, you are righteous and just in all of Your ways.”
And at that point, some real worship is gonna go down.

Until that day comes, we have some great words in the book of Psalms to help us process, petition, and bring our accusations to God. Psalms is a book in the Bible where the writer rages at the sight of injustice, pours his heart out in places of pain and loss, and at the end of the day, he still has a price on his head and a heart full of love.
Maybe Psalms and all its honesty and sometimes offensive accusations might be a little more helpful than quoting pop church songs when we’re struggling through life’s deep questions. God is not surprised by our questions, nor is He offended by them.
Maybe that big book in the corner needs a little dusting off.

Do you remember back in January when I came to you with a desperate plea for one of our darling boys who was absolutely wasting away?  I wrote about him here.  We, and the orphanage staff feared for his life.  He was dying before our eyes.  At that time I asked for a family to please step up and adopt him, but then shortly after that post, issues with his documents made him unavailable for adoption.  We mourned that loss of opportunity, but still, God had his way with that post and hundreds of people contacted us, letting us know they were faithfully praying for our sweet Danya.  

Today I want to encourage you and let you know that your prayers have not been in vain!

“To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.”

-Unknown

Meet Mira.

Mira first came into our lives when our local Ukrainian church’s discipleship school began to volunteer for Wide Awake.  Wide Awake was the “outreach” portion of their discipleship training, so we instantly had 12 volunteers every week at Romaniv!  Mira was on the team.

Romaniv is a pretty extreme place.  The whole team faithfully served there for this whole past school year whether they liked it, loved it, or…didn’t really enjoy it at all.  We could never thank them enough.  They have been the hugest blessing to our lives!!  Most of the team members had no idea places like Romaniv, and people like our Boys even existed in their country, so hidden is Romaniv from society.  Serving at a mental institution isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay!  But for a few of the team members it was completely life-altering.  Mira was one of those people.

The discipleship school ended a few weeks ago, and still many (most!) of the team members come to Romaniv every chance they get.  In between university exams they’ll squeeze a visit in, filling up our boys’ love cups, and getting their own filled in return.  They are pretty much the best group of teens I have ever known.  I wish I could have been half as cool at that age.  😉

Mira never EVER misses a trip to Romaniv.  During every day of Romaniv day camp, she was there.  Every day of the German medical team’s visit, she was there.  She is just always there.   And she is making a difference.

You see, our sweet Danya loooooooves Mira.  And the feeling is quite mutual.  Over the past month or so Mira has been at Romaniv almost every single day, and the changes we have seen in Danya over that time have been nothing short of miraculous!

Mira is not a therapist.  She’s not a medical professional.   She’s just an 18 year old college student with a fierce love for one small boy.

When she is at Romaniv Danya gets her whole self.  He gets her hugs, her tickles, her eye contact.  They walk together, they run together, they smell flowers together and feel the grass together.  They sit together and rock together.  Mira truly SEES Danya, and Danya comes alive.  His heart is so ready to accept her love, and her heart is being changed in the process.  It is a miracle for them both, and all glory goes to God.

Danya in January, and Danya last week 🙂

I think that sometimes we humans operate under the thought that unless we can do something “big” that is noticeable by a lot of people and impacts large populations it’s not important.  I think we miss so many opportunities for love while searching for the next “big thing”.  Me too!

What about the people right in front of us?  What if there is one person out there that is desperate for someone to truly SEE them and your eyes are just the ones equal to the task?  They don’t necessarily need someone more qualified or smarter or more important.  Maybe they just need you- to walk together, smell flowers together, sit together…just BE together.  Maybe.

I know one boy whose life is literally being saved by that kind of love.

Praise God for His never-stopping love for our Danya.  Praise God that He knew just what Danya needed, and praise God that Mira said, and keeps saying YES.

One foot in front of the other, Friends.  One YES at a time, with eyes wide open, with hearts Wide Awake

“I am only one, but I am one.  I cannot do everything, but I can do something.  And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.”  -Edward Everett Hale

*Please keep praying for Danya.  He still has far to go, but as you can see, he’s on the right track!   THANK YOU!

A couple weeks ago at church a young guy came up to me that I’d never met before.  He spoke some English and wanted to try out his skills, so we chatted for a bit.  He said “I heard you guys work at the orphanage for sick children and now you will take one of them home to be your son!”  I said yes, he was correct that we are in the process of adopting one of our Boys and then proceeded to proudly show him lots and lots of pictures of our special boy on my phone.  As soon as he saw the pictures his face fell.  He was obviously a little shocked, and obviously a little confused at my proud exclamation of how sweet and cute and special our boy is.

Then he asked the question that I’m sure many have wanted to ask, but so far no one else has been brave enough to utter:

“Why?  Why would you do this?  I don’t understand.  Why?????”

I paused for a second, happy that he had the guts to say what was really on his mind, because it was definitely written all over his face. 😉  I answered with the simple truth:

“Because we love him, God asked us to, and we said yes!”

It’s a simple truth, but there is a lot more behind it, a lot more led up to it, and there is a lot more weight that goes along with it.

This adoption yes was not a simple yes.  Much prayer, many tears, many conversations and sleepless nights led to this yes. In fact, many years of “yeses” led to this yes.

I remember in 2010 when our Ukraine story first began.  We knew that God was asking us to say yes to adopting a little boy from Ukraine with multiple special needs.  Oh boy, that was a hard yes to come to.  There was nothing simple about that.  We had always been open to adoption.  We were fostering our Seth at that time and were really hoping we would be able to adopt him.  Adoption and orphan care was important to us!  But I always said I could never adopt a child with a disability.  No way!!!   Willingly take on a child that would remain a child for life?  Knowingly adopt a child that would never live alone and would need my care for all their life?  Give up the dream of retiring someday with Jed and traveling the world together (child-free!)?  Heck no!  Are you crazy????  Who would do that??????  That would be so hard!  I guess some people are meant for that life, but not us.

Oh how the times have changed…hehe

I remember back in those days, praying about that certain boy who needed a family.  I couldn’t get his face out of my mind. I  couldn’t forget him, even if I wanted to.  I began to rethink my reasons for saying no to him.  The more I examined my line of reasoning the more my argument sounded rather lame.  All my reasons for saying no were because I wasn’t willing to lay down my life and my comfort.  I really, reeeeeeeally like to be comfy.  Oh I love comfy clothes, comfy socks, comfy shoes (no heels here!), comfy hoodies, comfort foods, comfy chairs, a comfortable salary, a comfy house, friends I can be super comfy with.  And most of all I love a comfy future.  I like to know what’s coming and I like to like what I know is coming.  I don’t like things that make me uncomfortable- like exercise, hard manual labor, and things that are out of my control.

Saying yes to adopting a child with severe disabilities is the exact opposite of comfy.  It’s inviting stress and pain and hard work and expenses and a lot of “out of control” moments into my life.

BUT,

God doesn’t call us to lives of comfort.  He doesn’t call us to lives of free and easy living where happiness and security are the ultimate goal.  He says to us “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?” (Matt. 16:24-26)

Friends, living a “chasing-comfort” life is no life at all.  Jesus says that the only way we can save our own lives is to give them up for Him. That’s not a call to comfort- it’s a call to sacrifice.  There’s just no way to put it lightly.  Once I considered what Jesus was willing to do for me, how could I say no to a little one so in need, in order to tend to my own comfort?  Ick.

That original adoption didn’t work out, but you probably know that that is what God used to turn our hearts to Ukraine.  And here we are now, saying yes to our special boy.

Please hear me.  I am soooooo not talking down to you right now.  I am not the pro at sacrificing my comfort- just ask my husband and kids.  I fail at it all the time.  I’m still learning and I thank God for his patience with me.

The thing is, now I see what I almost turned down in favor of my comfort.  I see it in the form of our most precious boys at Romaniv.  I see it in my Dima as he sits on a plywood bed, foot tied to the slats to keep him from falling off.  I see it in my Misha when he cries, so unaccustomed to human touch that a hand on his shoulder is too much to bear.  I see it in my other Misha who has lived at Romaniv since 1987 in one single hallway, his world shrunk by injustice.  I look into the faces of my precious boys who I love like my own children and I mourn how their lives have been stolen from them for the sake of others’ comfort.  I know these boys.  Over and over again I wish I could sit down with you and just tell you all about each of them. They are AMAZING.

How could we say no to them in favor of ourselves?  The world has said no to them over and over and over to the point where almost no one even knows of their existence.  It’s just not right.

I usually prefer to keep this blog upbeat, but today I’m calling you out.  I’m asking you to set your comfort aside for the sake of the yes.  This life is not all that there is.

There are boys who sit on wooden slats and never feel the grass on their feet or the sun on their face. Their lives are void of all comfort.  

There are people being sold into slavery for the pleasure of others. No comfort to be had there.

There are children sleeping on county office floors because there is no foster family to take them in.  No mommy and daddy to comfort them when they cry.

What will you do with your yes?  Will you pick up your cross?  Will you sacrifice your life for the One who gave His whole life for you?  Will you see past your comfort and your 401k dreams and your comfy couch and rise up?  We can do something about these injustices!  We must do something.  

Your yes means something.  It may mean everything to the someone who needs it, the someone sitting on a plywood bed.

The friend from church, the one who asked us why we would do this crazy adoption thing?  He said yes and visited our boys with us the next week.  As we were riding home in the car he said: “I spent the morning with the boy you are adopting.  Now I see!  I see why you would love him.  He is great!  He is so smart!  He is just…..great!!”

There is so much joy in the yes.  What will you do with yours?

*Several of our boys need adoptive families who will say yes to them.  Would you pray about that yes?  You can read more about those boys here and here.

If you’ve been reading this blog long enough you know that learning how to mother my kids in a new culture has been a big fat challenge for me. It was something I worried about before we moved, and it was THE something I worried about once we landed. Isn’t worrying awesome? It’s just so productive! Not.

It’s just that parenting is hard enough, and then you throw in lots of factors that make our family really “different” and things get downright confusing! I’ve found that we don’t really fit anywhere these days, when it comes to parenting. We don’t fit Ukrainian standards because, well, simply put, we aren’t Ukrainian! We can speak the language (work in progress) and buy the right clothes and eat the right food, but at the end of the day, we’re still Americans. We think differently than Ukrainian parents and we were raised differently than our Ukrainian peers. Culture is so HUGE. There are things we do similarly to Ukrainian parents, but we are also quite different. We could try to be the same, but at our core we’ll always be different- and that’s okay.

But- now we don’t really fit American standards either! For one thing, we don’t live in America, so that changes a whole heck of a lot right there. Many things that are expected for a “normal” childhood in the US just aren’t available or possible here. Our kids are having a completely different childhood than Jed and I had. It’s difficult not to have the same expectations in my heart for them, because all I know is a typical American childhood…yep, not gonna happen for our crew. And that’s okay!

It can feel very “Lone Ranger”ish, parenting so far away from our home culture. I don’t have mom friends I am close to here who are parenting kids around the same ages of ours. I miss the support of others who were going through the mothering stages alongside me. I miss bouncing ideas off each other over coffee and gaining wisdom from others. I miss my kids having friends. I miss having moms around me who are “one step ahead” on the journey. I miss watching them and learning from them. Most mothering and parenting books are really hard for me to read here. It can be discouraging because so much of what is written is based on the assumption that you live in America and have all that is available there, or that the mom’s only focus is on the home and she has no outside responsibilities.  It’s hard to explain, but when I read those books in the middle of this life we are living, it almost seems like they are books from another planet.

Honestly, parenting in this situation (or any situation) is just stinkin’ hard work.  Awesome, but still stinkin’ hard. Am I right?  People ask “How do you do it all?” Um yeah, I don’t. I can’t. Things fall by the wayside. My house is messy. I just paused writing to tell Seth not to throw knives- truth. My kids get lonely. Laundry piles haunt my dreams. I lose my patience daily (or hourly). Homeschooling can get sporadic and is often unorganized. I get lonely. I read mommy blogs (why do I do that?) and feel guilt that I don’t do crafts with my kids.  I want to get up early but instead I stay up too late at night.  I don’t follow through. And on and on and on.

So, yeah I can’t do it all, but I’m sorta, kinda starting to come to grips with the fact that the Johnson family is on our own journey and ours doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s journey. There is beauty in this particular journey and it’s pointless to waste time wishing it looked differently. I mean, this is the journey God created us to walk. Sooooo I should probably learn to be good with it.

Our kids are loved.
Our kids have each other. They love each other.
Our kids are learning to love and value those who the world has cast aside.
Our kids are learning a new culture and a new way of doing things- and their world is bigger because of it.
Our kids are learning what it is to say YES to Jesus.

I finally feel at peace in mothering, probably for the first time since we moved! I have seen little glimpses lately of the fruit and I see that our journey is beautiful in it’s own way.

-Addy announced to me yesterday “Ezra and I are just best friends lately! We just love each other! We’re hoping to keep this going on for as long as we can.”
-When it was dark out, Seth reached out to help Hava down the stairs to our yard. “I know the dark steps scare you Hava. Hold my arm.”
-Hava asked “Mom, which Romaniv boy would you choose first to come live at our house? I couldn’t choose, they’re all just so cute!”
-Every time we come home from Romaniv Ezra wants to see the pics of the boys right away. He loves them.
-Seth said “Mom, I can share Boris with daddy because he needs a daddy too.”

I write all this to say, own your own journey. God’s Word and God’s grace apply to every life situation- regardless of location. Parenting books and parenting seminars are great (I would love some of that right about now!)- but what is the greatest is saying YES to God when it comes to your children. Don’t compare your journey to your friend’s or your neighbor’s or some random blogger’s. The details of their lives are not the details of your life. Their journey is not your journey. Their kids are not your kids.
(Preaching to myself, FYI)

Teach your kids to say YES to Jesus by saying YES to Jesus yourself.
The rest is sprinkles on top. 🙂

Welcome, 2015!

2015 sounds so futuristic like we should all be wearing shiny suits and ordering our meals from a robot or something. I wouldn’t mind the robot thing. Less time spent in the kitchen? Yes, please.

Last year I gave myself a theme to live by for the year: “Let Go”.  Ooooh that was a tough one.  It seems like as soon as I thought I had let go of something in my life, I would turn around and pick it back up just as fast as I could.  I think I grew some in that area of letting go of expectations and letting go of what I thought my life should look like, but I’m not sure I did a very great job of grabbing onto Jesus with that empty hand.  It’s so easy to try to fill our cups with other things- the approval of others, entertainment …whatever.  I’m still on the letting go journey, and probably will be till Jesus comes back. 🙂 It’s a daily decision, to let go and grab Jesus.  Steady on, steady on.

This year I have a new theme!  This one scares me a bit, but I know I need it.  So…here goes…

VALIANT.

adj. “Possessing or showing courage or determination”

VALIANT.

I like the sound of that, but I’m a little afraid of what the doing of that will mean.

Check out the amazing synonyms of “valiant”: courageous, fearless, gallant, gutsy, heroic, indomitable, intrepid, noble, plucky, stout, strong-willed, adventurous, assertive, audacious, bold, dauntless, gritty, magnanimous, nervy, spunky, stalwart, steadfast, stout-hearted, undaunted, undismayed, lion-hearted, fire-eating.

FIRE-EATING?????  Bring it. Ha!  LION-HEARTED?  Wow.

It’s so much cozier to go the safe route, to do the comfy thing.  Valiant sounds cool, but it seems hard.

There were so many times during this past year in Ukraine when I knew I needed to be brave, I needed to possess and show courage and determination, but I wimped out.  I wimped out because I was afraid, because being determined and courageous was inconvenient because I relied on myself and my own strength.  I regret those times, and I regret the outcomes of those times.

If I truly believe that God is a good Father; if I truly believe that His ways are higher and He has called me to this life, then what do I have to fear?  I want it to be only by His strength that I go.  One of the roots of the word valiant is from a Middle English word meaning “well-built”.  This mission, this dream for our Boys here in Ukraine is not a Kim dream.  It’s a God dream- my valor, my courage, my determination, my bravery only exists because I am representing Him.  I need to be well-built in Him. Strong in God alone. I’m only valiant if I represent the King.

I need to speak Ukrainian more- even though I know I’ll make mistakes and sound like a child.

BE VALIANT. Speak out.  The only way to learn is to make mistakes and learn from them. Dauntless.

I need to study Ukrainian more faithfully, Even though at the end of the day I’m tired and it’s the last thing on the planet I want to do.

BE VALIANT. Possess determination.  It will be worth it.  Gritty.

There are things we need to address at Romaniv that are not pretty.  They are issues decades-long in the making.  A few feathers may be ruffled, but it is necessary.

BE VALIANT. The Father of the Fatherless goes before us.  What do we have to fear? Fire-eating.

Jed and I both know that God is asking some pretty huge things of us this year.  He’s been stirring our hearts and whispering in our ears and nudging our shoulders.  We are excited but afraid.  Is God truly good enough to catch us as we step off a massively high ledge?

BE VALIANT. BE BOLD. HAVE COURAGE. SHOW DETERMINATION. STEP OUT. SAY YES.

What’s holding me back?  What’s holding you back? I don’t want to look back on this life and regret what could have been if I had lived valiantly- if I had courageously said yes even when I was afraid.

Join me!  Don’t be held back any longer. God goes before you and His love never fails.

*The pictures are of Romaniv in the snow.  So pretty 🙂

“Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly Friend

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.”

Be still, my soul.

My soul is restless. My soul is fighting. My heart is grieving for our Boys more than ever these days and my mother’s heart for them is growing more than ever these days.

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on their side.

Do we trust that our God is good?

Do I trust that God is good, even to our Boys, even now- at this very minute as they rock back and forth in their beds?

Do you trust that your Heavenly Father is working on your behalf?

Do I really and truly trust that God is working on behalf of our Boys and He is keeping His promise to be their Father?

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on their side.

The Tuesday before I left for Switzerland we had just finished up our morning at Romaniv and the time had come for us to hop in the taxi and head home.

Sweet Dima, one of our highest functioning boys in the Isolation Hall began to ask his usual questions.

“When are you coming back?”

“Are you coming on Friday?”

“Is Jed coming on Friday?”

“Is Mama Nina coming on Friday?”

“When are you coming back?”

“Will you come tomorrow?”

Dima gets very fixated on when we are coming back and who will be present on the team. He gets super excited when we answer “Yes, Dima, we are coming on Friday. Jed is coming, I am coming, Nina is coming. We can’t come tomorrow, but we will come on Friday.”

He needs to hear those words. He needs to know.

Well, last Tuesday I had to stray from the normal response. I told Dima that I wouldn’t be coming on Friday because I had to go on a trip. There was no use of explaining Switzerland or fundraisers or supporting churches, I knew Dima wouldn’t understand. All he could understand is that I said no, I wouldn’t be able to come on Friday.

Dima was so unhappy. He didn’t understand. He kept asking why, and I tried to explain.

If only Dima had known. If only Dima could have understood WHY I wasn’t coming on Friday. I was traveling far away on his behalf. I was going to share with people who love him from afar. I was going to share about him and to be his voice. I was going there for his good. But all he knew was that I wasn’t going to show up on Friday.

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on my side.

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on your side.

Do you trust that He is good?

Do you trust that your Father is working on your behalf?

Do you trust that He is working for your good?

Be still. Trust. I know how much I love Dima and want only good for him. How much more does your Heavenly Father want only good for you? Vastly, infinitely more.

God is working on our Boys’ behalf in ways I can’t even see. His love for them is endless and perfect.

Be still, soul. God’s got this.

“Be still, my soul: the hour is hast’ning on

When we shall be forever with the Lord.

When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.”