This is a post I never imagined writing. In fact, we took all the precautions imaginable to try to prevent a post like this from ever happening, but, here we are.

This past weekend we had to remove our dear Anton from our home.

Anton has struggled off and on with aggressive behaviors basically the whole time he’s lived with us. It kind of surprised us because he was not aggressive at Romaniv. In fact, he was the most meek, quiet, subdued and shy man you could imagine. Almost all of the boys and men at Romaniv are aggressive to some degree. Aggression is the language of institutional life. And since Anton lived there from the age of 4 till we took him home at age 30, that was the language of his childhood, his teen years, and his adulthood. In an institution like that only the strong survive. The pecking order is well-established and the stronger abuse the weaker. It’s what Anton knows, but since he himself was not aggressive, we felt okay bringing him home. Also, we knew God said Anton was our family, so we listened.

Once Anton started to act out aggressively when upset or not feeling well, or when he didn’t get his own way, we were a little surprised (although not completely- we tried to be “prepared for anything”) and sad, but also hoped that once his language abilities grew and he felt safe, his aggression would diminish or maybe even completely go away. We still hope for that!

In the past month or so Anton’s aggression has dramatically increased. When awake he has been in an almost constant state of stress and keeping him from escalating has become a full time job. This past weekend it became obvious that it was not safe for him to be in our home with our children for even one more day.

Let me say right now that we are 100% committed to Anton- legally, and in our hearts. We love him so so much, and we know that this is not who he wants to be. He desperately wants to do the right thing. Anton can be fun-loving and tender-hearted. We truly believe he doesn’t want to hurt others, but he is working through something and it’s not safe for him to work it out in close proximity to small children. Maybe this is a stage in his healing and he will come out on the other side even more loving and more like his true self, but while we are committed to helping him heal we also have to consider every person in our family. Boris and the little ones can’t be sacrificed during Anton’s healing process. He’s a full-grown man and his emotions are big. We realized this weekend that we had to find another way.

Right now we have Anton staying in an apartment in town and our team is taking turns staying with him. Today Jed is out with a realtor looking for a more long-term apartment that Anton can live in until the duplex is finished, and then we plan that he will live there. We are hoping to find 2 guys who will live with him in the apartment. He can spend the daytime with our team like always, and then have his evenings and weekends at the apartment.

Our hearts are broken, and in just the last few days our plans and ideas for our family have been turned on their heads.

When we brought Boris, Anton and Ruslan into our home we planned they would live with us, in our home, for life. But it seems God has other plans. Yes, the duplex is literally right outside our back door, but it’s still not what we had planned. At the same time, we have a responsibility to our kids, and we also know we can’t help transition other boys to the duplex and then the next home after that if 100% of our attention has to be focused on just keeping the people in this one house safe. We have to have some margin in order to keep our family and Wide Awake, as an organization, healthy and growing.

Our dream of “family-style homes” is still the dream. But God is kind of asking us to redefine in our minds what “family” means. Family doesn’t have to mean a mom, a dad, and a bunch of kids. That scenario doesn’t work for every person- especially when we’re talking about people who have been so extremely abused and traumatized for so many years. Sometimes family needs to be smaller, quieter, and more controlled, with fewer moving parts. We have 6 kids. Our home will never be quiet. In my mind, it’s a peaceful chaos, but I think we are learning that it’s just not the best environment for our Anton. “Family” is a place where you are loved and accepted as you are. It’s a place where you are supported and encouraged to grow into your full potential. We can still provide that for Anton.

We’ve cried a river of tears over the last few days. My mind just keeps trying to figure out a way to keep him here, but I’m also in awe of how much more peaceful it is here without feeling like we have to protect everyone from Anton every minute. I didn’t realize how much of our hearts and minds and household routine were consumed with keeping Anton from escalating. It’s just not sustainable if we are committed to these guys for life and if we’re going to be able to bring more boys from the institution.

My heart screams that no one can love him as deeply as I love him. How can I entrust him to another? He must be so confused. He’s one of my babies and I know he loves me just as much. But right now he needs something that I can’t give him, and my heart needs to trust that God’s plans for Anton are good and He is not surprised by this turn of events- even though we are.

That’s where we stand now. We would so appreciate your prayers during this time. We need so much wisdom. Anton needs so much peace. We are visiting every kind of doctor available to make sure we are not missing some physical ailment that is causing him pain or stress. We will not give up on our boy.

We met with our team on Sunday night and were amazed and encouraged when we stood back and realized we were in a room FULL of people who love Anton and want the best for him. Jed and I are not alone in this. I thank God for our wonderful, loving, committed team.

If you have any questions don’t hesitate to ask. We have no secrets and always want to be honest about the journey, while also maintaining Anton’s dignity.

Thank you for loving us and believing in this work.

BeLOVE[d]

We’re coming up on 8 months with Anton and Ruslan and I feel like we’re slowly starting to come up for air. Caring for our guys is still pretty much all-consuming, but we have gotten in to a bit of a rhythm, and things are looking up!

Sometimes it feels like their progress is so minuscule, but then we look back and remember things we had to do a few months ago just to keep the peace around here and we see how far the guys have come. Very far!

Anton. Six months ago we were barely sleeping because Anton was up all hours of the night wandering the halls. I remember we used to have to turn off all the water to the house and unscrew all the downstairs lightbulbs before we went to bed every night because Anton would get up and try to take a bath at 3 in the morning, or shriek and hoot and holler at 2am so that we would get him up and feed him. We had to remove all options in order for him to be able to turn his brain off enough to rest and fall asleep. At one point Jed was sleeping on a couch in front of his door to remove the option of nighttime wanderings. Those were the days…yikes.

Now I can happily report that Anton goes to bed easily and doesn’t get up until at least 6:30 every morning. (knock on a biiiiiiig ol’ piece of wood 🙂 ) His sleep success is thanks to a strict evening routine that we dare not stray from, and blessed medication. The combo of the two saved our lives.

He’s saying a lot of words, and more and more often he says them at the appropriate times! He used to only really speak when he was angry, but now that’s not always the case. There are so many words in there and sometimes he’ll shock us with a “See you tomorrow!” (in Ukrainian of course) or something like that.

Anton gets stressed pretty easily, and when he doesn’t feel good, physically, he gets really worked up. In times of stress he is aggressive toward others, so that is a big bummer. I hate those times because I know he is just repeating what he’s seen his whole life and it’s not the real Anton. When he is in an aggressive mood it just becomes a matter of keeping him separate from everyone else and that is exhausting. I hope and pray that someday Anton will be able to express his emotions in ways that are less painful to others. We are doing all we can to help him learn a new way.

When Anton feels good and is at ease he is so joyful, sweet and fun-loving. He loves big bear hugs, dancing, toy cars and fidget-spinners. He enjoys stirring things in the kitchen and will gladly eat anything and everything you put in front of him. He has started to say “I love you” on occasion and this week he said “Mama” for the first time. Melt my heart.

Ruslan. To be honest, it’s hard for me to write about Ruslan because I’m unsure how much to share. Whenever I share about our boys I want to respect their dignity and respect their privacy. It’s so important for me not to overshare their personal struggles. At the same time, I always want to be honest about this process. It does none of us any good for me to pretend all is unicorns and rainbows when they so clearly are not. This is stinkin’ hard work for us, our team, and our boys every.single.day. Most of all for our boys. Learning to become a human after 20+ years of living like an animal is not an easy process to go through. They need our empathy and our compassion, but they also need our strength. They need to have a standard to rise to, expectations to meet. They need to know we believe in them and we want more for them because we love them!

Ruslan’s trauma presents itself as high anxiety and a need to be in control of everything. At Romaniv his world was small. The stressors were crazy HUGE, but there were few of them. His main priority there was keeping himself safe and keeping himself fed. Here in the real world, the wider world, there are many, many things outside of his control. There are so many more things for him to obsess about and be anxious about. If it’s not one thing it’s another.  He wants desperately to control his environment, but when you live in a house with 10 other people you just can’t control every single detail. That is outrageously hard for Ruslan. Sometimes it seems like it’s only getting harder, only getting worse, but he has actually made some great strides in the past few months. A few months ago he was was having daily meltdowns and those really only happen on rare occasions now. You can see him ramping up for a meltdown, and then most of the time he can wind himself down. Not always, but most of the time. I’m so thankful for that!

When Ruslan is relaxed and at peace he is hilarious. He has a great sense of humor and a compassionate heart. He really loves Evie and is mostly gentle with her. He loves to sing, and worship time at church is his most favorite thing EVER. The anxiety ridden Ruslan who acts out in fear holds back the real Ruslan. The anxious Ruslan is also extremely hard to live with. It breaks my heart because I want things to be different. So, we will continue to fight for him. We will fight to get him all the help we can so that he can live his life to the fullest.

We have waited a bit to see how things would play out with a highly structured day and several months of safety and now we have an accurate baseline for Ruslan. We are ready to seek out psychiatric care for our guy and see how we can best help him move forward. If you would pray with us for wisdom in this we would really appreciate it.

Health. As far as medical stuff goes for both guys, we’ve been slowly but surely getting things taken care of. Fridays have become our “medical day”, so Kenny and I try to tackle the different medical appointments on Fridays. We’re focused on dental stuff right now and that’s super fun since Kenny and I both HATE going to the dentist. I’m not sure how much moral support we provide, but we do our best. Hehe. Anton has one problematic tooth that should be fixed next week and Ruslan has a whole mouthful of problems. I’m not sure he’ll have any teeth left when we get finished. Poor guy. 🙁 I’m guessing we’ll be exploring the world of dentures or implants in the near future. Anton has some physical symptoms that I don’t have answers for yet, but all in all I think they are both in pretty good health at the moment. Step by step we’re getting there!

I have to say that there is no way we could do any of this without our amazing team. Kenny and Oleg are with us Monday through Friday, bathing our guys, shaving them, taking them on bike rides, teaching them how to make tea, keeping them safe, talking them off the ledge, teaching them how to be men, loving them, comforting them, supporting us and all in all just being awesome. This really would be impossible without their help. We would have burned out months ago.

Masha, Masha, and Lesya are also absolutely essential to the success of this home. “Harry Potter Masha” 😉 comes to our home three times a week. She plans and organizes the guys’ schedule for the week and is learning to implement the plans that Olya, our wonderful OT, recommends. Masha’s work makes it so that we aren’t just spinning our wheels with the guys, but we are hopefully moving toward specific developmental goals. “Second Masha” and Lesya each come once a week and provide great additional support to our guys and the rest of the team. I love our team and can’t express how thankful I am that God brought each of them to our family.

So, there’s a bit of an update on our two newest family members. If you have any questions about Anton or Ruslan, or the process of deinstitutionalization don’t hesitate to ask! My hope and dream for writing this out is that someone reading it will also feel called to this deep, difficult, and beautiful work. We need help and I know God will call the right people to join us. I also write this so that those of you who pray will know better how to pray for our family and our team.

To all of you who pray, support, encourage and love us from afar, thank you! We can’t tell you how much we need it and appreciate it. Thank you for partnering with us on this journey. We couldn’t do it without you!

Tomorrow is a big, big day around here. Tomorrow Ruslan and Anton, two more of our friends from Romaniv will come to live with us forever. Jed has legal guardianship of them, and now we are taking the next big leap to bring them into our family.

I’ve been posting updates about the process on our Wide Awake Facebook page, but I haven’t really had the time to write all about it on here. So, here goes!

The plan all along has been for us to be a pilot home for deinstitutionalization here in Ukraine. The family-style homes that we dream of don’t exist here (that we know of), so we are taking the leap to do it ourselves and see if we can be a model that Ukrainians can replicate. We don’t pretend to be, nor do we want to be THE great hope of Ukraine (that would be Jesus). This issue of institutionalized people is an issue that Ukrainian people need to solve. We are just called to be a spark. We are called to model a different way and encourage others to follow. To that end, we remodeled the Homestead house with the space to bring 3-4 boys/men from Romaniv to live with our family, to become members of our family. We already took guardianship of Boris back in December, and now Anton and Ruslan will round us out as a family of 11. We would technically have room for one more, but we feel that with Boris’ needs, plus the added blessing of our Evie, two more will pretty much bring us to capacity. 🙂

Jed with Ruslan and Anton a couple weeks ago 🙂

Just like with Boris, we are now the legal guardians of Anton and Ruslan. We did not adopt them because they are already adults, so it’s not legally possible to do an adoption. Our Vladik is adopted (he was 15 when we adopted him, so legally still a child), but in our minds and hearts, they are all the same. It’s just different in legal terms. In our minds, once they enter our home they are our family till death do us part. The intensity level rises a tad when you are bringing in a 30-year-old, instead of a 15-year-old, but if this is what God is asking us to do our answer still needs to be yes.

People have asked how we chose Anton and Ruslan out of all the wonderful boys that we know and love at Romaniv. Wow, that’s a good question with probably kind of a vague answer. I guess we just knew! With Boris, it was no question. Jed and I both had a really intense attachment to him and it was just a “duh” that he would be the first. He needed out desperately and we knew he was meant to be with us. Then we started to pray and ask God who would be next. At first, we thought we would take the men who were going to be first to age out of Romaniv, but right now in our region, no one is being transferred into the institution, and no one is being transferred out. So age doesn’t really matter. We knew we wanted to take men who were too old to be adopted and we wanted men who had no family to go back to. In our minds, reunification with the birth family is the most amazing plan ever, and we want to advocate for that as much as possible. So, it was important for us to take men who would not have the opportunity for reunification.

Three years ago Anton and Ruslan were taken to a camp for children with special needs that our friends at Mission to Ukraine provide each year. I was on the “Romaniv” team with them and got to know them a bit. I’ll be honest that before that camp I had never noticed either of them at Romaniv. I absolutely fell in love with Anton at that camp. He has such a sweet spirit and boy oh boy, he is so abused at Romaniv. He is a whipping boy for the aggressors and spends most of his days rocking on a bench, probably attempting to disappear. At camp, his precious spirit came alive and it was such a joy to behold. I’ve had a special love for him ever since that time.

Anton and me at camp (2015)

Jed and I both also recognized at that camp the awesomeness of Ruslan. He is so smart and full of joy. Then in the spring of 2017, Jed and I both had encounters at Romaniv with Ruslan that firmly placed him in our hearts. We each had encounters when we were present when he had been hurt by another boy/man and were able to be at his side to comfort him while he cried. We had the gift of holding him and giving him the compassion that he has lacked for so many years. When it came time to choose our guys, Jed and I both eventually, in discussion and prayer, narrowed it down to those two boys. And we have never swayed since. There are many guys that, for safety reasons, we could not have in our home with our children, and then there are many that we absolutely adore and wish so much could come to be a part of our family. But, we just don’t have space for everyone. We really needed God to speak to us, and we believe He has.

Jed and Ruslan at camp (2015)

Anton and Ruslan are both more independent than Boris. Boris needs help with every aspect of life. Anton and Ruslan can feed themselves, go to the toilet independently, dress themselves, and walk. Ruslan has some mobility issues, so when we are out and about in town he’ll need to use a wheelchair, like Boris. Ruslan can speak, and Anton only has a couple of words. Anton will need more assistance with daily life activities than Ruslan, but in general, they will require less “hands-on” than Boris.

We understand the gravity of what we are about to take on. Well, I should say we understand it as much as we can at this moment! In reality, there is zero percent chance that we can predict what this transition will be like. We know that it is no small thing to take in two thirty-year-olds who have lived in hell for 20 years. We know they have been neglected and abused beyond belief and the path to healing will be long. But, we also know for certain that these two are meant to be with us. We have put safety precautions in place. We have had discussions with our kids. Our interns and Jed’s assistant, Kenny, will be helping us several days a week. Now all we can do is see how it goes, modify the plan as needed, and trust God to give us the wisdom we need. It seemed right to take Anton and Ruslan both out at the same time. Ruslan is a helper, and we hope he might be a comfort to Anton. Also, our family has been through A TON of transition over the last year and we just feel like we need to do this big transition and then be done with transition for a bit (if that’s even possible). We are eager to settle in as a family of 11 and get on with it!

I’ll be honest, this YES is the biggest yet for me. Yes, it was a lot to commit our lives to Vladik and Boris, but this feels even bigger to me. It feels scarier. Maybe that’s because now we have lived the reality of our commitment to Boris for several months and we are knee-deep in the challenges and reality of what that looks like. Life with Boris is not without joy, but it is a hard, hard road. I know that Anton and Ruslan will have their own challenges and sometimes I worry about what that will look like in day-to-day life.

BUT

We know that we know that this is what God has asked us to do, so we have to put our trust in Him and keep on trusting.  Just like before, the only thing required of us is the next YES. We don’t need to worry about the future because we’ll have the grace for it when it gets here. 🙂 I’m so excited to watch Ruslan and Anton become the men that God created them to be. I’m so excited to shower them with love. I’m so excited for our family to be complete.

Please pray for us as we take this big step. Pray for grace and peace and safety and health and most of all that God’s Kingdom would come and His will would be done in our home.

Thank you, Friends!

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